Family

What is Family? For me a Family is not so much who I share blood with... It is the people whom I feel safe with, whom I can relate to.... They are the ones who stand beside me and pick me up when I can no longer keep going... They are the ones who I count on... My "family" is a beautiful one filled w/ so many rich bold characters. I am blessed to have my Family. When my Mom died I was so lost.. I just had my Dad and my Sister and My Best Friend... That was my family.... And at the time of my Mom's death my sister and I were always at odds... She could not stand to watch my mom die, so she was never around.. I resented her for that. I wished I could be more like her.. I wanted to be cold and hard.. I wished my heart would not hurt so much.... After that first year I met a couple who did Foster Care and I fell in love with them.. They were amazing. My mom's name was Sharon and this new person I met, well her name was Sharon too.. Her mother had died a few days before mine.. I decided God knew how much I needed a Mom and he sent her to me.. She truly was an Angel.. I am scared to think of where I would be w/o her love, support and guidance. She is amazing. Every time I turn around, she is there... I love her so much, she is my Family!

Today I had a big blow out with my Step-Mom and it was bad.. I have been holding in a lot and well, it all came out today. She hordes my Mother's stuff like you can not believe. She feels that it all belongs to her and that we have no say in it.. We were over visiting today and I saw my old dresser that my Mom had bought for me and I told her we would be able to take it in a few months when we move.. She proceeded to tell me that I couldn't... I lost it.. I just screamed and yelled and shook, and cried... I told her what a selfish woman she was.. She has all of my Mom's jewelery, her tea cups, buttons, etc. etc.... I told her that none of it was hers.. I was so upset.. My Dad just went off to the corner and said nothing.... I left crying hysterically and Ron just held me till I stopped crying... Anyway I called my Dad later and he told me that next weekend I can come over and take whatever I wanted.. My mom meant the world to me... I have nothing of hers... My Dad used to believe that when he died my Step-mom would make sure I got what I wanted.. He now sees that she is so selfish she wouldn't give me anything, even if I begged.... Why would a woman want to keep all of another dead woman's things??? It is kind of morbid really... They mean nothing to her.. She just wants to sell them and keep the money... Can you say SELFISH???

So to my point.... I do have one by the way...LOL I was thinking today that I am so glad you can choose your family... I have chosen mine and I feel so blessed.. I have a great chosen family and a husband who loves me.. Does it really get any better??

Tonight as I go to bed I will be thanking God for letting me choose my Family....

Wow, I am skinny...

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!
I had so much fun making videos tonight. Here is one of Ron and I at the Disco...LOL I have not laughed this hard in a long time.. I forget how good it is for the soul... So have a look and it is so ok if you laugh....

Pictures from our photo shoot...

I like this one but my face looks so fat.. Well I guess it is, but I somehow want to look thin in my pics..LOL Is that to much to ask for???

I think we will use this one for our Christmas Cards....

This one is my favorite.. We just happend to look at eachother when she took the picture...

We had our friend meet us at the same park we got married at to take pictures... It was cold, but the sun came out... It was nice remembering our special day... I loved our wedding.. It was so amazing. I am so in love with my husband.... He loves me so much.. How did I ever get so blessed????

It has been a while....

I think I stopped writing because I have felt so sad. I feel like the world is so against us. We are so unsure of what the future holds for us. I prayed last night for my husband to get a break.. He so deserves one break... He is an amazing man and does so much for me and for others... He deserves to have one thing go right... Just one.....

He has been sad too... We see a family and he always gets this sad look in his eyes... He looks at me knowing I feel the same way... I always feel like a failure, like I have let him down so much.... He wants to be a papa more than anything.....

Not sure where we will be in 6 months?? I am just praying that wherever we are I am preggo.... Please God.....

School is going ok... This is the toughest Math class I have taken... Hopefully I will pass it and then no more Math!! Wouldn't that be amazing....

I am off to meet my Best Friend.. She is going to take some pictures of Ron and I so we can get our Christmas Cards made... I hope she can take a good one minus my double chin... I hate double chins.. I hate being fat...LOL Errrrrrrrr......

Anders, Bale, & Crosby

Your time here on Earth was so short. I do not understand...It was not supposed to be this way! Please be w/ your Mom, Dad and sisters. Take care of them and let them know you are there with them in spirit.. You will never be forgotten....

One Year

Today is our one year anniversary! Today we have been married 365 days... This year has been filled with so many ups and downs and yet through it all we have remained as close as two people can be. My only hope is that as the years go by we will still be able to stay that close. That we will continue to be so in love. I know we will go through our rough times but as long as they bring us closer I am ok with that.


I remember our wedding day as if happened yesterday! I remember the sun came out just before the people started to arrive. I remember walking down a small hill into a beautiful shaded area filled with weeping willow trees... The sun was shining through all of the tress making it appear as if it were dancing in celebration of our day. Seeing all of our family and friends sitting there took my breath away. I have never felt so loved. Then I looked up and saw my husband to be and I swear my heart stopped for a brief moment. He was my soul mate, the one I had waited for for 31 years. He was the one I had dreamed about and romanticized about for so long! It seemed like a long walk to get to him, but finally I was there and he was holding my hands. Looking into his eyes I could see my future with him, and it made me weak in the knees.. I stood there trembling trying not to cry... So filled with emotions, so in love with this man. Our vows were beautiful and when we were pronounced Husband and Wife, well that had to be one of the happiest moments of my life. With him I feel so complete.... It was as if a piece of me had been missing and in him I found it....

I am more in love today than I was one year ago.......

Praying for a Miracle...

If you read this please take a moment to pray for an amazing friend of mine. Her name is Jen, she is pregnant with Triplets and things are not going well. Pray that the doctors find a way to save all of her sweet babies. My heart is just breaking for her and her family. I just do not understand why this kind of stuff happens to such good, kind people...... I do not understand life sometimes... Please God, a miracle is needed..... Please!!! Amen!

Check out my Slide Show!

The Annoying Cloud Of Doom

I just can not get this cloud that has been hanging over my head to go away... It just hangs out letting only little bits of sunshine in.... I am sad today. I feel so done... Done with everything... I think we should stop trying all together..., Just give up and if it happens it will happen... I am so frustrated. I feel as if it will never happen! We will never have a baby... We will get close, but no baby! It is just this awful feeling I have had the last few days. I feel like I have given up on everything... My school, my weight watchers diet, my self, having a baby.... I am just done... You know what I want?? I want my Butter Bean to be safe and sound inside my belly!! I want to give birth to BB on October 4th… I want to be a mom..... I wish I never experienced that loss.. I wish that life was a little easier....

I leave for Alaska on Friday and am just sad because it is one more month that I will not get pregnant.. I will miss my O day... I just can not win...

I am sure I sound like a whiner, but this is the way that I feel today and it is my journal and I can write whatever I want, right....LOL

Why does it have to be so hard for so many people and so easy for others?? Why does the mom who has lost custody of her 7 children due to neglect and abuse get pregnant w/ her 8th child??? Why is that??? It just kills me.....

God...... I am losing faith... Losing myself... Where are you???

Spider Pig

I think this is so hillarious... I have the song stuck in my head...

Spider Pig, Spider Pig...LOL

I want something to work out!!

Ron just found out today that he was not selected to be a part of the Apprenticeship program... We are just devastated.... We moved here and have been waiting on them for almost 9 months.... I feel like we hope, we pray, we try so hard to have Faith and stay positive....Yet every door just slams shut... I am so done!! Just done.... I started crying tonight and could not stop...

One of the girls on my forum got pregnant 1 week before I did... She only has 9 weeks left till she is due.. I am so happy for her, I know she has experienced loss like I can not imagine... But it still made me think of my Butter bean..... and what it would be like to be 7 months pregnant right now.... I was so happy, I loved being pregnant more than anything...

I feel as if life is one big cruel joke... What are we going to do... I feel as if I can not do anything right.... I want to scream..... I look around and everyone is pregnant.. I met a girl the other day and they had just taken her IUD out and she is pregnant. I made the mistake of asking how long they had been trying... She replied giggling "ummmmmmmmmm, maybe 2 weeks". Yeah, that felt good!!!

I am so bitter right now.... I think I will go crawl in bed.... I know in the very bottom of my heart that Ron and I will have a baby!! But why does it have to be so hard.. Everything is so hard... I want something to work out......

I am Beautiful (Sometimes)

I do not like pictures of me... I hate them, because I am my toughest critic... I am overweight and many times I look in the mirror or in pictures and I see a fat, ugly girl... In the last few years I have really been working on my self defeating behaviors and have come a long ways! But I find it is a constant struggle to look at myself and love all of me and think I am Beautiful... I still do not like pictures and have a really hard time w/ them.. I always get the double chin, a few fat rolls... Yuck......LOL But last night after coming in from doing yard work in the heat, I sat down to check EverythingBaby... That is when Ron came up and said, you look so beautiful, and my reply is always the same "you think so???" Here I am all sweaty and dirty... LOL Then he proceeds to get the camera out and I am tired so I humored him...LOL (Plus it is Digital, so I can erase them...LOL) He waited, standing over me, looking down at me and said I love you so much... I replied w/ I love you so much and he snapped a picture... I look so happy, so in love! He took a few more pics and I thought they were great!! A little to much cleavage..LOL Of course Ron says there is no such thing as to much! Guys!!! I think I look Beautiful, so I wanted to share..

Leaving Washington

Well in trying to figure out a Plan B if Ron does not get the job with the Shipyard here in Bremerton, WA we have decided we will have to move, leave WA.... This makes me so sad, because all of my family is here, this is where I grew up... My Dad was in the Navy and we moved everywhere... When I was 10 years old he retired and we moved out here to WA. I love it here, it is my first home... I love everything about it!! I tell people all the time that I live in the most beautiful place on earth.... Anyway, the cost of living here is so great... For Ron and I to buy a 3 bd 2 Ba home in Bremerton we are looking at $200,000.00 easily... If we move back to Seattle, that same place will be $400,000.00 or more. I so want to keep going to school, but here we would both have to work full time in order to pay all the bills... The job market on this side is bad... You can make 8 to 10 dollars an hour.. In Seattle you are looking at 14 to 20 dollars an hour.... But then who can afford to live in Seattle... Our last two bedroom in Seattle that we lived in (which was in the bad part of town) cost us $1000.00 a month....

So our plan is to move to Texas... Yes Texas... Being that I am the whitest white person you have ever met and fat, the heat and I just do not get along...LOL But most places have airconditoning...right...LOL I just burn really easily... But maybe I will lose weight there because I will be sweating so much...LOL My friend and her husband just moved back there w/ their 4 children! They moved to WA for a year, but the cost of living was just to much for them... SO after one year of struggling here, they went back to Waxahachie, TX..... I went on line and found homes there in Waxahachie for really good prices.. There was the cutest yellow house w/ a porch.. 4 bd 2 ba, 1600 sq ft for $80,000.00... And as far as computer jobs, we looked up jobs in Dallas and found 1250 jobs there... Verses the 50 in Seattle.... So it looks like if the Shipyard does not come through we are heading to Waxahachie, TX.

It is kind of exciting, but mostly it makes me sad.. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving my family.... I feel selfish.. But Ron and I have to take care of us and support us.. My family can not afford to do it, nor should they have to... We will know at the end of July if Ron got the Job w/ the shipyard.... Life is so in the air right now... But I am doing my best to let go and let God.... It is just so hard because I am a control freak.... Well if you make it this far and can say a little prayer for us, that would be great... I think we could use all the prayers we can get....

I am a Little Black Rain Cloud

Ok, so I got up early today and nothing, I mean nothing has gone right... All day Murphy's Law has been kicking my butt!!! My Surrogate Mom was even scared to be w/ me because of all the crap that has happened this last week.. I am Bad Luck...LOL I almost went postal on a Wal-Mart employee today!! She seriously pissed me off.... I just grabbed my bag and exited the building!!! Errrrrrrrr...... I waited in the longest line just to by some f***ing erasers for Math class.... Ok, I am feeling better already... I think... Oh what a day!! I have been fighting w/ the insurance company and just running all over... My phone is not working right!!! Man oh man!!

On a positive note I am in pain right now.. It is Ovulation pain... Yipppppeee!! Meaning I will probably ovulate in the next two days... We have been having fun!! We are enjoying sex again!!! Not that anyone wants to know that...LOL but just had to share.... This whole break thing is nice...... Well I am off to get my baby making groove on!! I have decided that tomorrow will be wonderful!!! We are watching Ashtyn and Hadleigh (my little God-Daughters) every Sat morning for the next several weeks... We had a blast last Sat! We watched Disney Movies and played....

I am now taking a deep Breath and signing off... Just had to vent really fast.....LOL
Before I go I must leave you with the song from Winnie the Pooh:

I'm just a little black rain cloud Hovering under the honey tree I'm only a little black rain cloud Pay no attention to little me Everyone knows that a rain cloud Never eats honey, no, not a nip I'm just floating around over the ground Wondering where I will drip




Just in case you have never seen it...LOL

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I have had a rough few days... I backed our Subaru into our temporary home this weekend and shattered the back window... I was devastated, my dearest husband Ron just laughed, and told me it was ok. He said it is just a window, hugged me, helped me clean it up and then we took the other car to see Transformers... (Very good movie by the way, some cheesy parts, but good. I grew up watching the cartoon, so I loved it..LOL) I called my insurance this morning and we have to pay a $250.00 deductible... With only Ron working and paying for school....things have been a little tight.. We do not have $250.00 sitting around... We just put some money into hotel reservations in CA. We are driving down to spend a few days with Ron's Mom and Step-Dad at the end of August... I have never met them and am really nervous... Anyway...It has been one thing after another lately.

We originally moved back to this side of the water so that Ron could go back to school... He decided to apply at the Naval Shipyard in Bremerton, WA and that was 7 months ago... We have been waiting to see if he gets into there apprentice program.. When I had the MC he told me to quit and go back to school... So I did... We have been living on my surrogate parents property for the last 7 months in my Dad's 36 1/2 ft travel trailer... It has been nice because before I quit we put a lot of money into bills and got some Credit cards paid off... But now it is tight... Thank God we do not have to pay rent... We pay for electricity and for food.... Because Sharon, my Surrogate Mom is always cooking for us...LOL Anyway, Ron will hear something from the Shipyard by the end of July... If he does not get into the program, we will have to move back to Seattle... Both of us really want to stay here, but you have to do what you have to do... Right???

I just feel like every time we turn around the door closes.... Sharon said today that with all the doors closing at least one has to open... God, I really hope so.... We are so ready... Poor Ron just works his but off and he hates his job so much! He gets up every morning and goes to a place he hates... He spends about 3 hours a day commuting and some days it is 4 hours... And he does this for me.... He really is an amazing man, friend, and husband... He is my everything. I can not believe in 2 months it will be 1 year of marriage! I fall more in love with him every day! I hope that in 20 years I feel the same way! I know that I will..... He is truly my heart......

We have taken a break from temping and stressing this month... We are just having good old fashioned Sex!!! And it has been wonderful!! I think I am going to make an appointment next month with my OB/Gyn and get some tests done.. I just need to know for my own sanity that all is well.... I have been trying to eat well... Been doing Weight Watchers and have lost 10.8 lbs.. I wish I did not struggle with my weight so bad... I have always been a "big" girl... Tall and fat.. Lovely, huh! Anyway, I worry that being overweight has a lot to do w/ not getting pregnant??? My Ob/Gyn has assured me that fat people get pregnant all the time... She said it much nicer...LOL

I am just so unsure of our future... I really believe it will all work out...I just am wondering what path we start on next?? What journey is in store for us! Whatever it is we will make the best of it, because that's what we do! As long as we have each other, we are good to go......

It's Been A While

Today was a nice day.. We went to a place called Theler Wetlands and took pictures and walked all over.. It was windy and a little cold but all in all it was wonderful.. We then went to Subway and got sandwiches for dinner.... After we ate we curled up and watched my favorite movie, "Bridge to Terabithia". Of course it makes me cry every time, but it is a beautiful story about children, their imaginations and this crazy thing we call life....

It was so beautiful, thick and lush filled with birds, raccoons, and lots of other wildlife....

It was really windy as you can tell by my hair.. Not the greatest picture of me but it will have to do.. We want to go back on a hot sunny day!!!

They built docks that go all over the wetlands... People go running there all the time, it is truly amazing....

No Words

Today Logan will be burried... It breaks my heart.....

Today I light a candle for Logan, for his family, in his memory....

Why?

Today a small baby boy named Logan was taken off Life support at 3:10 pm... He died in his parents loving arms... How can this be??? We have all been praying so hard, lighting candles, crying, more praying and yet he is gone.. Why??? I just do not understand.... In Logan's short time here in this world he taught me many things... I never met him but that does not mean that I will not miss him... My heart is just broken... Thinking of Mom and Dad and what they have gone through and have yet to go through.... Why is life so hard??

Why, I do not understand....

Logan, you will be missed so much....

My Hero

Sharon Ann Post

11 Years ago Today....

I can't Believe that she has been gone for so long...

My Best Friend took these pictures the day of my wedding. She brought a rose and a candle from my wedding and stopped by her grave side.... It

was very touching......

This is my momma when she was young and in the Army... She served as a Nurse during the Vietnam War. I am proud of her and always will be....

This is my Mama at my older Brothers Soccer Game w/ my Sister on her head... She loved all of us so much. She was the Mom that supported you in all that you did. She really was amazing...

Here she is at my Sister's 6th Grade recognition.I love her smile.....

I Miss you Mom... I miss the way you loved me....The way you beleived in me! I hope I have made you proud! You are my hero and I hope someday soon to be as good of a mama as you were... I love you!

DOOM

It is 11:00 PM and my husband is playing Doom...YUCK!!! It scares the crap out of me!! There is all this fighting and zombie sounds... Ick!! I know I will have nightmares tonight!!! You know what is funny,

it scares the crap out of him too, but he insists on torturing himself... Men! In the game you walk around with a flashlight...It is hard to see the things coming for you, but you can hear them.... I am scared......(teeth chattering)

I just threw a notepad at him and hit him in the back and yelled at the same time... It was hilarious, although I am not sure he will ever forgive me...LOL I had to include some pictures so everyone knows just how creepy it is!!!

Maybe I am just a wimp??? But I hate me some Zombies!!!! ICK!!!!

Can Single Girls Wear Tampons?

We truly have come a long way from pads that you wore w/ a belt and tampons called Meds.... Just thought I would share some Tampon history...Enjoy!

This add from 1969 says "Tampax makes it possible for you to be Free to be yourself." I never feel like myself when AF is here!!! And inserting a tampon sure doesn't make me feel any better.... Who wrote this stuff.....

Found this add for new Meds...LOL

So I was wrong, really wrong... I am not pregnant! I am just crazy! This whole TTCing journey makes you crazy! I bet their is a researcher out there somewhere who has documented cases of Women like me! Some how that makes me feel better. I am not alone... I am one person in a sea of people who are struggling every day to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I have never had a cycle quite like that one...I think my body is still trying to get back to "normal", if there is such a thing??? Who knows??

On a good note, I have lost a total of 16lbs.... It used to be 20lbs when I first got pregnant, but then I gained almost 10lbs back after the MC. The Dibbs I ate every day really didn't help the situation... I also started drinking caffeine and just not taking care of myself! Bad Erin!!! Depression can really kick your butt and make it larger!!! But now I am off caffeine again, which made my daily headaches go away. So only 4 more lbs to be back to my total loss of 20lbs. I have been walking with Ron when ever we can...Usually about 2 miles.. It has been nice! So I am going to look at getting AF as a positive thing. Now I have more time to take better care of me and prepare myself for the next pregnancy!!! Right!!

TGIF!!!! I can not wait for Ron to get home.. We have a busy weekend planned and Saturday I am having a few drinks!! I figure since Af is here, it is ok to have a few Margaritas!!!

Sounds Good huh?????

To Delete or not to Delete

I had a small meltdown last night... I do not think I am pregnant and then beat myself up for believing that I was at 5 DPO! Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. It is bad enough that I believed, but then I shared my belief w/ Ron and in my Blog and on EverythingBaby!! I was feeling pretty embarrassed to say the least... So I decided I would delete my post...but just couldn't do it.... I think I will leave it as a testimony to my stupidity!

I feel like a whiner! A big fat whiner!!! I was pregnant, I lost it at 8 weeks.... It was hard, I need to just get over it.... But some days i just can't.... I cried last night because I loved being pregnant! I loved everything about it.. I had never felt so alive.... In that one month I had thought of everything... What color their eyes would be, their hair, would it be curly, daycare, Mother's Day, the way my DH would look when he first held our new Baby....My mind never stopped working in that wonderful month.....

Today I want to crawl back into bed and have another good cry, but I have to get myself dressed and go to school... Why is life so hard sometimes? Why can't I just be "over it", why is it so hard to move on, Why can't good people who want Babies just have sex, get, pregnant and nine months later have a healthy Beautiful Baby??? SO many questions????

Wishful Thinking

It is strange but I just have this feeling that I am pregnant... I think it is wishful thinking but I can't get this feeling out of my mind... It is weird, I know..... I just feel different? Ok now I probably sound like I am losing my marbles! LOL Here I am at 5 DPO and I feel pregnant, Impossible!!! So I think I should stop obsessing and reading to much into my feelings... '

I loved being pregnant, maybe I just miss it more than I care to admit... Oh well I am going to keep Believing that the best sperm found the most amazing egg and they are doing their thing right now as I type this crazy babble.....

Please do not think I am crazy!!! Maybe just say a prayer for my sanity!!! lol Cause TTCing makes you crazy!!!!!

Sperm & Egg

My Title Sounds like something you'd eat for Breakfast, Huh?










Just thought this was a funny cartoon! I am just sitting back hoping and praying that R's Swimmers have found the really prime, perfect egg and only a really magnificent sperm gets in to fertilize my perfect egg.... This is really sad huh! I am Blogging about Sperm and Egg??? Who am I anymore. I am a woman obsessed with having a Baby damn it! 5 years ago I couldn't even say sperm, egg, sex w/o blushing.. now I am into it!! I talk about my Cervical Mucus like some women talk about there shoes. I buy HPT's like people buy cigarettes... My single friends have heard way to much and don't care to hear about how stretchy egg white cervical mucus really is! Go figure... I am living the TTC American Dream, right! LOL Who the heck knows.... What I do know is that it is hard. So many years of preventing pregnancy and then over a year trying.... Errrrr.... But at least I know I can get preggo, right!!! Ok enough about Sperm and Egg!!!!

Today I was not feeling well so I cancelled my whole day!! Everything! and stayed home in my P.J.'s until about an hour ago....LOL I cleaned, obsessively checked my favorite forum EverythingBaby.org, brushed our two kitties and read.... It was a very nice day! Ron will be home shortly and then we are off for a 2 mile walk and then to play catch if the weather holds out for us!!! Just as I typed that the clouds rolled by and out came the sun.. Weird, huh! It has been raining off and on all day! No sun until just this moment... Must be a sign that i need to go for that walk!! LOL Ok, I am going!

On another rambling note, Today I love my life!!! I am so blessed! I think of all the people in the world hurting, homeless, starving, just trying to make it through the day and I realize just how truly blessed I am!

5:00 AM

Not sure what to write about.. It is 5:00 am Saturday morning..... my day to sleep in, and yet I have this terrible headache and neck pain, so here I am on the computer wondering what in the world to write about.

It has been quite a week, I think I am busier now than when I worked... My DH and I went to see a Psychic Show on Thursday in Seattle. We have been a few times and it is fun. This time their was a woman that was giving readings after. She is a Shamanic Healer, her name was Melissa. For some reason I had been drawn to her all night. I was in the very back of the room and she sat in the very front of the room and yet I just kept staring at her... When the show ended she was introduced and we were told she would give readings. So I just had to tell her that I was drawn to her and she had such good energy. I am a very empathetic person and very sensitive to the people around me, so much so that sometimes I will pick up their moods , feelings etc and wonder where it came from... I know it sounds weird, but I have been like this since I was a child. People I do not know will come up to me and talk to me about their problems or tragedies. There is nothing Special about it, it is just me and I have been blessed w/ empathy. Anyway back to Melissa. I told her I did not need a reading just wanted her to know how "beautiful" she was and how much good energy surrounded her... She thanked me and held my hand for a moment and then asked if I had just recently suffered a loss... I said" yes I did".. She said "she wants me to tell you that she wasn't ready, do you understand that?" I was quiet for a little while and then told her that I had had a miscarriage and yes I did understand it. She then went on to tell me that it was definately a little girl and that nothing I did made this happen and that my little one said "I must let her go, I must greive for her and let her go so that other children will come....She said she just was not ready yet." I of course started crying right there... It was so strange and yet so amazing.... How did she know, I didn't say anything... I think she truly has a gift to help people heal... I know that I walked away feeling so drained, so tired. But I felt better, if that makes sense???

I never knew how hard it would be to try and have a baby, I thought it would be so easy... But it has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on... But I will not give up, I will continue to fight for a baby, for a family, for my dreams..... I will have a Baby!!!

Butter Bean

These three tests were all taken on January 28th 2007 when I had my very first BFP! I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby! I called my husband crying, so excited and happy.. He left work telling them I have an emergency! My wife is going to have a baby.. he left speeding home to be w/ me and to just let it all sink in... I remember crying all the way home from Wal-Mart crying and praying.. I just kept telling God that I was going to be a good mama and I was going to love this Baby more than anything.. I just kept thanking God over and over asking that he keep us safe... The next month was filled w/ some scary times but for the most part I was so thrilled.. When I threw up like I had never done before I was happy and thanked God for the miracle inside of me. Ron and I nicknamed our Baby Buter Bean Bowman. We were so in love! But Butter Bean was not meant to be... I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and all they could find was a sac measuring at 6 weeks. I was devestated, I had never know pain like that. So February 24th I started my MC. There are no words to explain the physical and mental pain that I went through that week... I would have given anything for Butter Bean....

It has been a struggle and some days I am so sad..... But lately I have been feeling positive and have decided to Believe and stay positive.. So no more doubt! I will get pregnant, I will have a Baby! I just keep telling myself that over and over again.. I am just hoping it is sooner rather than later.....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....