I am Beautiful (Sometimes)

I do not like pictures of me... I hate them, because I am my toughest critic... I am overweight and many times I look in the mirror or in pictures and I see a fat, ugly girl... In the last few years I have really been working on my self defeating behaviors and have come a long ways! But I find it is a constant struggle to look at myself and love all of me and think I am Beautiful... I still do not like pictures and have a really hard time w/ them.. I always get the double chin, a few fat rolls... Yuck......LOL But last night after coming in from doing yard work in the heat, I sat down to check EverythingBaby... That is when Ron came up and said, you look so beautiful, and my reply is always the same "you think so???" Here I am all sweaty and dirty... LOL Then he proceeds to get the camera out and I am tired so I humored him...LOL (Plus it is Digital, so I can erase them...LOL) He waited, standing over me, looking down at me and said I love you so much... I replied w/ I love you so much and he snapped a picture... I look so happy, so in love! He took a few more pics and I thought they were great!! A little to much cleavage..LOL Of course Ron says there is no such thing as to much! Guys!!! I think I look Beautiful, so I wanted to share..

Leaving Washington

Well in trying to figure out a Plan B if Ron does not get the job with the Shipyard here in Bremerton, WA we have decided we will have to move, leave WA.... This makes me so sad, because all of my family is here, this is where I grew up... My Dad was in the Navy and we moved everywhere... When I was 10 years old he retired and we moved out here to WA. I love it here, it is my first home... I love everything about it!! I tell people all the time that I live in the most beautiful place on earth.... Anyway, the cost of living here is so great... For Ron and I to buy a 3 bd 2 Ba home in Bremerton we are looking at $200,000.00 easily... If we move back to Seattle, that same place will be $400,000.00 or more. I so want to keep going to school, but here we would both have to work full time in order to pay all the bills... The job market on this side is bad... You can make 8 to 10 dollars an hour.. In Seattle you are looking at 14 to 20 dollars an hour.... But then who can afford to live in Seattle... Our last two bedroom in Seattle that we lived in (which was in the bad part of town) cost us $1000.00 a month....

So our plan is to move to Texas... Yes Texas... Being that I am the whitest white person you have ever met and fat, the heat and I just do not get along...LOL But most places have airconditoning...right...LOL I just burn really easily... But maybe I will lose weight there because I will be sweating so much...LOL My friend and her husband just moved back there w/ their 4 children! They moved to WA for a year, but the cost of living was just to much for them... SO after one year of struggling here, they went back to Waxahachie, TX..... I went on line and found homes there in Waxahachie for really good prices.. There was the cutest yellow house w/ a porch.. 4 bd 2 ba, 1600 sq ft for $80,000.00... And as far as computer jobs, we looked up jobs in Dallas and found 1250 jobs there... Verses the 50 in Seattle.... So it looks like if the Shipyard does not come through we are heading to Waxahachie, TX.

It is kind of exciting, but mostly it makes me sad.. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving my family.... I feel selfish.. But Ron and I have to take care of us and support us.. My family can not afford to do it, nor should they have to... We will know at the end of July if Ron got the Job w/ the shipyard.... Life is so in the air right now... But I am doing my best to let go and let God.... It is just so hard because I am a control freak.... Well if you make it this far and can say a little prayer for us, that would be great... I think we could use all the prayers we can get....

I am a Little Black Rain Cloud

Ok, so I got up early today and nothing, I mean nothing has gone right... All day Murphy's Law has been kicking my butt!!! My Surrogate Mom was even scared to be w/ me because of all the crap that has happened this last week.. I am Bad Luck...LOL I almost went postal on a Wal-Mart employee today!! She seriously pissed me off.... I just grabbed my bag and exited the building!!! Errrrrrrrr...... I waited in the longest line just to by some f***ing erasers for Math class.... Ok, I am feeling better already... I think... Oh what a day!! I have been fighting w/ the insurance company and just running all over... My phone is not working right!!! Man oh man!!

On a positive note I am in pain right now.. It is Ovulation pain... Yipppppeee!! Meaning I will probably ovulate in the next two days... We have been having fun!! We are enjoying sex again!!! Not that anyone wants to know that...LOL but just had to share.... This whole break thing is nice...... Well I am off to get my baby making groove on!! I have decided that tomorrow will be wonderful!!! We are watching Ashtyn and Hadleigh (my little God-Daughters) every Sat morning for the next several weeks... We had a blast last Sat! We watched Disney Movies and played....

I am now taking a deep Breath and signing off... Just had to vent really fast.....LOL
Before I go I must leave you with the song from Winnie the Pooh:

I'm just a little black rain cloud Hovering under the honey tree I'm only a little black rain cloud Pay no attention to little me Everyone knows that a rain cloud Never eats honey, no, not a nip I'm just floating around over the ground Wondering where I will drip




Just in case you have never seen it...LOL

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I have had a rough few days... I backed our Subaru into our temporary home this weekend and shattered the back window... I was devastated, my dearest husband Ron just laughed, and told me it was ok. He said it is just a window, hugged me, helped me clean it up and then we took the other car to see Transformers... (Very good movie by the way, some cheesy parts, but good. I grew up watching the cartoon, so I loved it..LOL) I called my insurance this morning and we have to pay a $250.00 deductible... With only Ron working and paying for school....things have been a little tight.. We do not have $250.00 sitting around... We just put some money into hotel reservations in CA. We are driving down to spend a few days with Ron's Mom and Step-Dad at the end of August... I have never met them and am really nervous... Anyway...It has been one thing after another lately.

We originally moved back to this side of the water so that Ron could go back to school... He decided to apply at the Naval Shipyard in Bremerton, WA and that was 7 months ago... We have been waiting to see if he gets into there apprentice program.. When I had the MC he told me to quit and go back to school... So I did... We have been living on my surrogate parents property for the last 7 months in my Dad's 36 1/2 ft travel trailer... It has been nice because before I quit we put a lot of money into bills and got some Credit cards paid off... But now it is tight... Thank God we do not have to pay rent... We pay for electricity and for food.... Because Sharon, my Surrogate Mom is always cooking for us...LOL Anyway, Ron will hear something from the Shipyard by the end of July... If he does not get into the program, we will have to move back to Seattle... Both of us really want to stay here, but you have to do what you have to do... Right???

I just feel like every time we turn around the door closes.... Sharon said today that with all the doors closing at least one has to open... God, I really hope so.... We are so ready... Poor Ron just works his but off and he hates his job so much! He gets up every morning and goes to a place he hates... He spends about 3 hours a day commuting and some days it is 4 hours... And he does this for me.... He really is an amazing man, friend, and husband... He is my everything. I can not believe in 2 months it will be 1 year of marriage! I fall more in love with him every day! I hope that in 20 years I feel the same way! I know that I will..... He is truly my heart......

We have taken a break from temping and stressing this month... We are just having good old fashioned Sex!!! And it has been wonderful!! I think I am going to make an appointment next month with my OB/Gyn and get some tests done.. I just need to know for my own sanity that all is well.... I have been trying to eat well... Been doing Weight Watchers and have lost 10.8 lbs.. I wish I did not struggle with my weight so bad... I have always been a "big" girl... Tall and fat.. Lovely, huh! Anyway, I worry that being overweight has a lot to do w/ not getting pregnant??? My Ob/Gyn has assured me that fat people get pregnant all the time... She said it much nicer...LOL

I am just so unsure of our future... I really believe it will all work out...I just am wondering what path we start on next?? What journey is in store for us! Whatever it is we will make the best of it, because that's what we do! As long as we have each other, we are good to go......