HSG Completed

So it went ok, and I am feeling ok...It hurt and was not fun but I made it through the whole procedure w/ no tears.. But when she said everyting was perfect, well, then I cried. She was wonderful and comforted me. She said she has great hope and this was great news...

My Uterus is the picture of perfection, the dye went through really fast, no blockages in the tubes, no abnormal lumps or bumps.. Just a perfect little uterus that can not sustain life.... I guess I was hoping they would find something that they could fix, does that make sense??

So now we just have lots of sex and keep taking the metformin and use progesterone once I have ovulated for 14 days... Exercise, keep losing weight and eat only good stuff...oh, and pray, not sure if God really hears me anymore.. I seem to be a broken record lately..

Even feeling as down as I am I still have hope.. Maybe I am crazy, but I still Believe that it will happen... I am just so tired of being sad...

I am off to take a nap and some more advil.. Theses are weird cramps, not sure how to explain them...

Oh I have to add, I found a new hair salon and made an appointment for Friday April 11th!! Yipppeee for new hair, it has been 5 months.. My hair is looking scary and Big!!! LOL

HSG

Well my HSG is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. I am nervous and scared.. Not so much of the pain that may be involved w/ it.. I guess there is a deeper fear one that says they will find nothing wrong and I will be right back where I started from. Trying to conceive! Getting pregnant once a year but unable to sustain life in my uterus. It makes me feel like I have failed as a mother before I ever really got a chance to be one... Maybe that does not make any sense? Who knows, I am so tired and should go to bed.. I am procrastinating. I figure if I do not go to bed then tomorrow will not come as fast, I know really special logic...LOL

Well pray that tomorrow goes smoothly and they find something, some reason why I can not sustain life inside of me... Why it is not a good place for our embies to hunker down for 9 months...

Wish Me Luck

I am off to the Seattle Science Center again... Why do I do this to myself?? I will never know..LOL The kids that I have been tutoring in ASL for the last 9 months or so are coming over to see me. We are meeting there and then we will learn signs and play. It should be fun! I am hoping since I am in a better frame of mind that seeing all of the families and children and pregnant women will bring me hope this time around, not despair. So please say a little prayer for me... I will update when I get home..

**************Update*******************

So everyhitng went really well.. We had a contest to see who could remember the most signs.. In the end they both won and were able to pick out something from the gift shop.. They both picked out stuffed dogs..LOL We saw a brand new IMAX that came out called The Grand Canyon 3d, wow, it was amazing... I would reccomend it to everyone!! Well, kind of boring today! I took a nap when I got hime due to a headache.. Just not feeling quite right.. Not sure if it has anything to do w/ the new meds I am on?? We will have to see... I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter, I will be at work... Yippeeee! LOL

I have to share this video..

So I watched this last night and it made me think of my friend Jen and the loss of her three little ones, Anders, Bale and Crosby who were born to soon. I can not imagine going through that.. She is an amazing, woman, friend, wife, and mother.. I am in awe of her everyday..

This video really touched me.. It broke my heart and yet still managed to give me hope... I have hope for all of us that someday we will walk down a beach holding our childrens hands...

A Little Bit of Hope!

SO I just got back from my Doctor's Visit.. She is a Peach, a wonderful, empathetic, sweet doctor, whom I love! LOL I was trying to be all strong like everything was ok, and then she insisted on giving me a hug... Thats when the tears came..LOL She believes that w/ some help we can get pregnant again sooner and have it stick. So next Friday I am re-scheduled for the HSG at 10:00 AM. She perscribed me Metformin which will increase my Metabolism and w/ continued healthy eating and some exercise she is hoping it will also help in the weight loss department. Also starting this month I will chart and temp and when I O I will start using Progesterone tablets.. I will continue taking them until Day 14 where I will then POAS, if it is negative I will stop taking the Progesterone, if it is positive I will continue taking the Progesterone till I am 10 weeks along.

SO I have a plan, I have a great doctor who believes that I can get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 long months! So I am w/ her on that.. If you all could keep us in your prayers still.. That would be wonderful. Ron and I are still having a hard time, but every day we feel a little stronger and a little more hopeful!! We will have a baby!!!

Today is my day off and I have so much to do!! I must get busy! If I get everything done, we can just hang out and watch some Buffy! We live such an exciting life.. Friday night on the couch watching some Buffy, does it get any better than that? LOL

Sundays?

I thought they were made to rest, to relax, but in my case I am working.. Every Sunday from 10 am to 6 pm and to top it off Sundays are in all actuality my Mondays. Oh Yippeee! I woke up this morning and felt like crap, just emotionally numb and blah. I would have given anything to just stay home in bed w/ the covers over my head, but I got up and took a shower and went to work my 8 hours. It was an ok day. But like I said Sundays are a day for rest, for spending it w/ the ones you love. I keep telling myself that it is all worth it. We have a plan. I am working to pay off one of our two cars and a few other bills. Our plan is that when we have a baby and we will, I will quit working and stay home w/ our child. Then after a year or so depending where we are at I will return to school. I love this plan and was so looking forward to quitting in November right before Christmas to stay home w/ our new baby.. But sadly it was not meant to be..

So I have been eating very badly! I had Doritos, chocolate cadbury eggs, and Diet Pepsi.. I am such a bad girl! I told Ron we had to get rid of all of this crap!! We do not keep it on the house for a reason! But w/ our friends here I felt compelled to buy the bad evil stuff...LOL Excuses, excuses.. TRUTH: I am bummed and wanted to eat crappy food.. But as of tomorrow it all goes in the garbage.. Back to Lean Cuisines and fresh fruits and veggies, YUM!


I have not written in my journal in so long.. I was thinking nobody was reading it.. But today I got a comment! It made my day.. So thank you for reading..LOL

I am off to bed, I am so tired! Being emotionally numb really sucks the life out of you!

Babies Everywhere...

Today I spent the day w/ my two God-daughters and their mom's at the Pacific Science Center.. It was a hard day. There were children and babies everywhere. I started counting all of the pregnant women I saw. There were ones w/ tiny Baby Bumps and then there were ones ready to pop. I lost count at 19. They were everywhere. I saw families w/ 5 and 6 children.. I had to sit down at one point cause I was cramping so hard.. Here I was surrounded by all of these children finishing up my MC. It took everything in me to keep it together.. I just wondered why God thought one child was to much to ask for??

We just got home and I am having a Diet Pepsi (W/ Caffeine) and 2 shots of Captain Morgan. Yes you heard correctly.. For two years I have watched what I eat, I do not take medicine unless I have to, I do not drink except occasionally, I gave up caffeine, I do not use an electric blanket, I do not go in hot tubs... There are so many things I do not do just in case I am pregnant or ovulating... Well I am living a little today...LOL

Our friends actually spent the night and we watched a movie last night when the girls fell asleep. It was called Carolina.. It was a good movie, but of course there was an unplanned pregnancy in there...LOL There

We did have fun yesterday.. The girls thought we lived in a hotel cause we have an elevator that takes us to the 5th floor where we live..LOL Ashtyn who is 4 had to be the one to push the buttons in the elevator.. So adorable. They had so much fun tormenting the cats, and exploring new things. My favorite was when we were all not paying attention they scooped the dry cat food out of the container and poured it into their water bowl.. I guess that is one way to make wet cat food..LOL

Being a parent is hard work, I think it is the hardest job any woman or man can ever have! I watch them tag team their girls who are 2 and 4 and am amazed, what a handful they are.. There is so much to do and so many needs that have to be met.. Ashtyn and Hadleigh or such opposites and need different things from their moms'. Even knowing that I would not be able to sleep in anymore, and that life would never be the same I still want to be a mom more than anything.. Am I crazy!! I think so..LOL

I am off to cuddle up on the couch w/ my wonderful husband who is having a very hard time I might add... We are going to watch some more Buffy, maybe take a nap.. I am getting buzzed on a Saturday Afternoon and loving every minute of it..

Oh, I plan on joining a gym next week.. Wish me luck! I hope I can stick w/ it...

I was so sure...

I was preggo again for 6 days and oh what a wonderful 6 days they were.. I started bleeding after we had gotten our HCG test of a whopping 11 back from the doctor.... I was so sure this was it, I was so sure that in November I would be holding our little one.... I have been praying and hoping and believing and I lost another one..My oven is broken, I am broken... I keep thinking that maybe God does not think I deserve a baby of my own?? Or maybe I am just not worthy... Ron and I have been dealing as well as we can...

I had a dream last night.. I dreamed that after the MC I went to see the doctor a month or two later and she said she had wonderful news... I had not suffered a MC, in fact I was a few months pregnant and we were going to have a little girl.. I could not believe it, I asked for pictures, I needed proof... She set me up for an ultrasound right away and there was a beautiful baby girl growing inside of me.. I woke up crying.. That is how much my heart is breaking... I have not been able to cry much.. I feel somewhat numb.... I was just so sure.. Even now I want to go POAS with the hopes that this MC was all a bad dream.. You know..

I have such an amazing group of friends who have been there the last two years for me as I have struggled through so many ups and downs... I am not sure what I would do w/o them.. I have gotten so many letters and calls and for some reason I can not write them back or call back... I think it is cause I am so scared of coming undone.. Of just losing it.. I have been so strong for everyone because I feel like I have let them down.. Even my surrogate Mom asked me today, when was I going to break.. I told her I was good, I am dealing.. We have a good doctor and hey at least I got pregnant.. I am fine.. Or at least I will be...

A very wise woman once told me in her darkest of hours that God will not take you anywhere that he won't lead you through... So I am trusting in God to lead me through this pain and hurt... Cause I can not do it alone... I was so sure that Sticky would stick.. So sure... So fucking sure.... I was wrong.... So wrong.. My heart hurts so much for what is not to be.. How is it that we made so many plans in those 6 days?? We had so many hopes w/ Sticky... So many plans...As I sit here writing this, I am exhausted and the tears will not stop running down my face... I do not want to be sad, I do not want to hurt.. I just want to Believe, to be happy to know that good things happen to good people, I want to feel deserving, I want to be a mama, I want to be a family.... Maybe I want to much...