Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I interviewed for the Assistant Manager position and I got it along w/ a raise so we can pay off more bills.. It is not what I want to do forever, but it is a means to an end.

I went shopping this last weekend at my favorite place for Chubby Chicks, Lane Bryant and decided I was in need of some more dress clothes for my promotion! I get to wear nice stuff now..LOL I hated wearing my Polyester pants!! Yuck! So I went and the saleslady said I looked like I needed some new jeans in a new size. I told her I had only lost 25 lbs and still had a lot more to go. I told her I was not there to look at jeans but thanks.. She would not drop it, she said just try some on, please for her.. So I did and she brought me some that were 2 sizes smaller than what I have been wearing forever. I told her there was no way my fat ass would fit into them. She told me to humor her, so I did. Ready to be embarrassed cause I would not be able to squeeze myself into them. I was WRONG, they fit perfect. I could not believe it. I thought I was dreaming! I have been in the same size pant forever, especially jeans. It was an awesome feeling!! So I had to get 2 pairs of jeans some cute Summer tops that would be great as Maternity tops cause I am so going to get knocked up! I got a new lace bra that is a beautiful orange color, 2 new sweaters a black one and a lilac one. I felt so guilty, but Ron made me do it! He said I deserved it.. I love him so much!! I am so blessed! Can you believe that I did not get anything I could wear to work. Funny huh?

On the Med front, I am doing better.. I think.. Some days are good, some days are shitty but I just keep telling myself it is for our baby!!! Our Baby who will some day be a reality!

Oh, more good news! I just found out my new insurance that kicks in will cover IVF up to 90% if you use a preferred provider.. So I looked up some PP Re's and one of them was from Seattle Reproductive Medicine. They are one of the best! I was so relieved.. So happy!! Another reason I am glad I have my job.

Ok, I am off to bed, I am so tired! Work is kicking my ass..LOL Sorry for the cuss words today! Not sure what is wrong with me?? I noticed that I use a lot of exclamation points, my friend Jennifer was just talking about that in her journal. How she did not want to be known as the Exclamation Queen, I am sure I have her beat, lol.

Oh, if you are reading, thanks it means a lot to me! Lots of love!

I feel like a Big Downer

I am feeling a little better but yesterday between being sick, AF being here and dealing w/ all of my medicine side effects I was done!! Stick a fork in me done. I have so much on my plate and have been so sad and feeling so hopeless. I am beginning to think people are getting sick of me. Maybe cause all I seem to do lately is complain and feel sorry for myself. I try not to, but this last month has been awful. After the miscarriage, the HSG, the meds, the side effects and awful period have just been a little much and have made for a very long 5 weeks! I think it is ok for me to have my moments...maybe.... I do not know.

I had an interview today! It was a panel interview w/ 7, yes 7 people. WOW, it was a little much. But my Senior manager walked me out and told me that everything was great and that I did a fantastic job. he later called my boss and told him that everyone thought I was great! Yipppeeee... So hopefully I will get it and then I will be making a little bit more money and the more bills we can pay off so when we DO have our Baby I will be able to stay home w/ him or her. That is always my goal! So I will keep everyone posted. Hopefully I will know in a few days.

Well today my cold seems to be a little better, but the last 4 nights have been filled w/ so much coughing and not enough sleeping. I have been exhausted. So tired.. So I am taking some night time meds tonight and going to bed. I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom on the futon the last two nights so Ron can get some sleep. it has been rough.

Tomorrow is my Friday! Yeah! My Dad and Step-Mom are coming over on Sat to go to a movie and lunch. I am looking forward to it!

The New Me

I am off today and got to sleep in a little.. I think all of the hormones and the fact that AF will be here any minute is making me crazy.... I am still sad and can not shake it.. Life is just so f'ing hard sometimes.. You know...

Thanks for all of your love and prayers!!



Anyway I wanted to post a before and after shot of my hair cause I promised to do so..LOL




Old Hair, Really getting big..LOL




New Hair, I really like it.. I think it turned out great! It made me feel better! I even put make-up on...LOL

Dark Place

I am in a bad place right now and have been for the last 2 weeks or so. I had a break down last night. I am taking Metformin and Progesterone. There are side effects that come from both and I have always been very sensitive to any kind of meds.. It has been really rough, I am getting sick for the third time this year. I think I was sick once maybe twice last year. My defenses are just shot, they are gone. So after going through the last two weeks w/ stomach cramping and diarreah I started to develop thrush in my mouth, Can you say fucking disgusting!! It is driving me nuts. So I called my doctor and got some more nasty medicine. This crap called Nystatin Oral is nasty. You are supposed to put 1 teaspoon in your mouth and swish it around for as long as possible and then swallow it. I swear it was like swishing snot in my mouth... I gagged like crazy! Yuck! And I get to do it every 6 hours.. Yummyyy...

So here I am miserable, depresed and falling apart. I told my DH last night that even if they gave me more meds that made me feel even worse I would still take them because I want to be a mom so bad, that I think I would do anything. But on days like last night I was ready to call my whole life quits.. I was ready for someone to end it all for me.. I know it is sad, and maybe people will think I am just a big fat whiner. I don't fucking care anymore. This shit sucks!! Seriously!! Every day I am reminded of my faliure to reproduce by the many baby bellies I see, the beautiful children with their families..... I hate who I have become, I feel as if I am a shell of the person I once was. I can not find happiness anymore. Because what would make me happy is to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 months and then give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby! One that I made w/ my amazing husband.

I keep trying to believe, to have faith, to believe in Miracles....but everything is against me. More and more every day I am beginning to believe that I am not deserving... That I will spend my life in this infertile hole trying to get out and just falling deeper every day. Tonight I feel alone and so sad.. My heart just aches for the two babies that were not to be, for all of the pain, for all the other losses, for the many women who have become such amazing friends who are in the same situation...

God, if you are still there and you still hear me, please bring me out of this dark place. Give me strength to endure all of this pain and help me to see all that I have. Help me to be thankful for my family and friends. Give me faith, because right now I need it more than anything. God, please just give me something, anything, just a sliver of light.....