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The Annoying Cloud Of Doom

I just can not get this cloud that has been hanging over my head to go away... It just hangs out letting only little bits of sunshine in.... I am sad today. I feel so done... Done with everything... I think we should stop trying all together..., Just give up and if it happens it will happen... I am so frustrated. I feel as if it will never happen! We will never have a baby... We will get close, but no baby! It is just this awful feeling I have had the last few days. I feel like I have given up on everything... My school, my weight watchers diet, my self, having a baby.... I am just done... You know what I want?? I want my Butter Bean to be safe and sound inside my belly!! I want to give birth to BB on October 4th… I want to be a mom..... I wish I never experienced that loss.. I wish that life was a little easier....

I leave for Alaska on Friday and am just sad because it is one more month that I will not get pregnant.. I will miss my O day... I just can not win...

I am sure I sound like a whiner, but this is the way that I feel today and it is my journal and I can write whatever I want, right....LOL

Why does it have to be so hard for so many people and so easy for others?? Why does the mom who has lost custody of her 7 children due to neglect and abuse get pregnant w/ her 8th child??? Why is that??? It just kills me.....

God...... I am losing faith... Losing myself... Where are you???

Spider Pig

I think this is so hillarious... I have the song stuck in my head...

Spider Pig, Spider Pig...LOL

I want something to work out!!

Ron just found out today that he was not selected to be a part of the Apprenticeship program... We are just devastated.... We moved here and have been waiting on them for almost 9 months.... I feel like we hope, we pray, we try so hard to have Faith and stay positive....Yet every door just slams shut... I am so done!! Just done.... I started crying tonight and could not stop...

One of the girls on my forum got pregnant 1 week before I did... She only has 9 weeks left till she is due.. I am so happy for her, I know she has experienced loss like I can not imagine... But it still made me think of my Butter bean..... and what it would be like to be 7 months pregnant right now.... I was so happy, I loved being pregnant more than anything...

I feel as if life is one big cruel joke... What are we going to do... I feel as if I can not do anything right.... I want to scream..... I look around and everyone is pregnant.. I met a girl the other day and they had just taken her IUD out and she is pregnant. I made the mistake of asking how long they had been trying... She replied giggling "ummmmmmmmmm, maybe 2 weeks". Yeah, that felt good!!!

I am so bitter right now.... I think I will go crawl in bed.... I know in the very bottom of my heart that Ron and I will have a baby!! But why does it have to be so hard.. Everything is so hard... I want something to work out......