It has been a rough few days, and w/ AF just around the corner my hormones are running wild.
I think I am just done. Between all the meds, the hormones, feeling like shit every day... I just do not think I am strong enough anymore. Then to top it off I had an awful experience w/ a woman this last week.. I can't help but keep playing what she said over and over again in my head...
Here is what happened:
I was speaking w/ a woman at work on Thursday. She was a customer and had two beautiful twin boys. I was commenting on them and how amazing and cute they were and she said oh, do you have children. I said no, my husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years, but one day we will. She then went on to tell me that she had her boys through IVF. She only waited one year and then did IVF. They put two embryos in and two babies came out. I told her we may go that way too, depending what the next few months brought. She then told me before I spend any money I should lose some weight cause it would be better for the babies. I was speechless, so I began defending myself telling her I had lost 34 lbs and was still losing, plus I was really healthy, all my blood work came back perfect.. I told her my doctor thought I was doing great... I told her I had been pregnant twice and lost both of them. She said well maybe it was because you are overweight. I wanted to scream at her, to yell.. It was just so mean, especially since I always blame myself for both MC's. I have always thought maybe it is because I am fat??? I see women who are bigger than me w/ new babies all the time?? I just do not know anymore...
God said that children are his reward, maybe I am to fat, and just not worthy enough.. Maybe that women was right... Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I do not deserve to be a mom???
But the other part of me knows that there is no way I could ever give up. Not when I have dreamed of holding my baby in my arms since I was a little girl. The sane part of me knows that I will be a wonderful Mama. I am a good person w/ a beautiful heart.. My husband and I love each other more every day. We have a wonderful life and will be amazing parents...
So the question is why does God choose to give some people children and others are punished?? I have been waiting for our miracle and two times we were so close.. But both times our miracles were ripped away from us! We had plans and hopes and dreams for both of our babies, and they were not to be.. I know I was not pregnant long with either of our babies, but God Damn It, we believed..... We let ourselves believe that our Miracle was finally here....
What happens if we never get our Miracle? If we never hold our little Baby, if we never have the family that we both desire so much? I fear that my heart will just break, that I will be no more... All of this Infertility shit has changed me.. It has left scars that most people will never see, it has filled me w/ pain unlike anything I have ever known, it has made me stronger and yet so much weaker, it is part of me now, it is always there like a cancer slowly dragging me down, eating away at all that is good. I fear that one day it will take me so deep that I may not ever see the light again, that I will stop believing, that I will lose all of my Faith in God and Miracles....
Please God, do not let that happen.
I still Believe! Today is just harder than others to Believe, to have Faith to Trust in God....
I know I am depressing, sorry.. I just need to get it all out before I go a little mental. Ok, so I am already mental..LOL
