I have not written in a while.. Just have not been in the best of space and then Ron and I decided to take a month off from TTC and just try and enjoy life.. It is hard to do though cause TTCing is always on the brain and in your heart. It does not matter how hard you try to not think about it, it is always w/ you.
I have my appointment on Monday and I am scared shit less. Seriously! I am so worried about what the doctor will say. I am worried he will tell me that I am to fat and I need to go home and lose some more weight. I am scared he will tell me it is over, no children for us! I know that I need to lose a lot more weight but it is not easy! I am trying and trying w/ only 36lbs lost. I am stuck at that number.
I have been reading a lot online about fat people and IVF. There is some really mean people out there. I need to stop reading all of that crap. Some people feel that if you are fat and you get pregnant you are abusing your child from day one. You are setting them up to be overweight and have all kinds of problems. I have also read that the reason fat women can't get pregnant and stay pregnant is cause GOD made it that way! Does being fat mean that I do not deserve to be pregnant, that I do not deserve to be a mama, that GOD does not want me to have a Baby?? I am just beside myself. If I could wave a wand and be skinny I would, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been struggling w/ my weight for 21 yrs. That is a long struggle!
I talked w/ DH last night about having the lap Band surgery so I could lose weight. They say after one year you can start trying to conceive again. That means I would be 34 when we started trying again. I could finally be skinny! But there are so many risks and he does not want me to do it. He says we will just keep eating well, going to the gym, etc. He says he loves me just the way I am and does not want me to lose my life just for a chance to be skinny... So as of right now I will not be looking into that kind of surgery. but if the doctor says I am to fat, I am going to look into the surgery.
I am meeting up w/ all of my online friends in December and am so excited, but scared at the same time. I am so embarrassed at being overweight and worry that people will not like me, or that they will think less of me. I know this is all crazy talk, cause all of the women I will meet are amazing and kind, but my low self esteem and struggle w/ my weight make me irrational at times... Also the years of name calling and teasing did not help either..
Well 5 days till my appointment! Wish me luck! Its not over till the fat lady sings, and I for one am not planning on singing till we are holding our little one in our arms!!
