I had a small meltdown last night... I do not think I am pregnant and then beat myself up for believing that I was at 5 DPO! Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. It is bad enough that I believed, but then I shared my belief w/ Ron and in my Blog and on EverythingBaby!! I was feeling pretty embarrassed to say the least... So I decided I would delete my post...but just couldn't do it.... I think I will leave it as a testimony to my stupidity!
I feel like a whiner! A big fat whiner!!! I was pregnant, I lost it at 8 weeks.... It was hard, I need to just get over it.... But some days i just can't.... I cried last night because I loved being pregnant! I loved everything about it.. I had never felt so alive.... In that one month I had thought of everything... What color their eyes would be, their hair, would it be curly, daycare, Mother's Day, the way my DH would look when he first held our new Baby....My mind never stopped working in that wonderful month.....
Today I want to crawl back into bed and have another good cry, but I have to get myself dressed and go to school... Why is life so hard sometimes? Why can't I just be "over it", why is it so hard to move on, Why can't good people who want Babies just have sex, get, pregnant and nine months later have a healthy Beautiful Baby??? SO many questions????
Monday, April 30, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Wishful Thinking
It is strange but I just have this feeling that I am pregnant... I think it is wishful thinking but I can't get this feeling out of my mind... It is weird, I know..... I just feel different? Ok now I probably sound like I am losing my marbles! LOL Here I am at 5 DPO and I feel pregnant, Impossible!!! So I think I should stop obsessing and reading to much into my feelings... '
I loved being pregnant, maybe I just miss it more than I care to admit... Oh well I am going to keep Believing that the best sperm found the most amazing egg and they are doing their thing right now as I type this crazy babble.....
Please do not think I am crazy!!! Maybe just say a prayer for my sanity!!! lol Cause TTCing makes you crazy!!!!!
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sperm & Egg
My Title Sounds like something you'd eat for Breakfast, Huh?
Just thought this was a funny cartoon! I am just sitting back hoping and praying that R's Swimmers have found the really prime, perfect egg and only a really magnificent sperm gets in to fertilize my perfect egg.... This is really sad huh! I am Blogging about Sperm and Egg??? Who am I anymore. I am a woman obsessed with having a Baby damn it! 5 years ago I couldn't even say sperm, egg, sex w/o blushing.. now I am into it!! I talk about my Cervical Mucus like some women talk about there shoes. I buy HPT's like people buy cigarettes... My single friends have heard way to much and don't care to hear about how stretchy egg white cervical mucus really is! Go figure... I am living the TTC American Dream, right! LOL Who the heck knows.... What I do know is that it is hard. So many years of preventing pregnancy and then over a year trying.... Errrrr.... But at least I know I can get preggo, right!!! Ok enough about Sperm and Egg!!!!
Today I was not feeling well so I cancelled my whole day!! Everything! and stayed home in my P.J.'s until about an hour ago....LOL I cleaned, obsessively checked my favorite forum EverythingBaby.org, brushed our two kitties and read.... It was a very nice day! Ron will be home shortly and then we are off for a 2 mile walk and then to play catch if the weather holds out for us!!! Just as I typed that the clouds rolled by and out came the sun.. Weird, huh! It has been raining off and on all day! No sun until just this moment... Must be a sign that i need to go for that walk!! LOL Ok, I am going!
On another rambling note, Today I love my life!!! I am so blessed! I think of all the people in the world hurting, homeless, starving, just trying to make it through the day and I realize just how truly blessed I am!
Just thought this was a funny cartoon! I am just sitting back hoping and praying that R's Swimmers have found the really prime, perfect egg and only a really magnificent sperm gets in to fertilize my perfect egg.... This is really sad huh! I am Blogging about Sperm and Egg??? Who am I anymore. I am a woman obsessed with having a Baby damn it! 5 years ago I couldn't even say sperm, egg, sex w/o blushing.. now I am into it!! I talk about my Cervical Mucus like some women talk about there shoes. I buy HPT's like people buy cigarettes... My single friends have heard way to much and don't care to hear about how stretchy egg white cervical mucus really is! Go figure... I am living the TTC American Dream, right! LOL Who the heck knows.... What I do know is that it is hard. So many years of preventing pregnancy and then over a year trying.... Errrrr.... But at least I know I can get preggo, right!!! Ok enough about Sperm and Egg!!!!
Today I was not feeling well so I cancelled my whole day!! Everything! and stayed home in my P.J.'s until about an hour ago....LOL I cleaned, obsessively checked my favorite forum EverythingBaby.org, brushed our two kitties and read.... It was a very nice day! Ron will be home shortly and then we are off for a 2 mile walk and then to play catch if the weather holds out for us!!! Just as I typed that the clouds rolled by and out came the sun.. Weird, huh! It has been raining off and on all day! No sun until just this moment... Must be a sign that i need to go for that walk!! LOL Ok, I am going!On another rambling note, Today I love my life!!! I am so blessed! I think of all the people in the world hurting, homeless, starving, just trying to make it through the day and I realize just how truly blessed I am!
Saturday, April 21, 2007
5:00 AM
Not sure what to write about.. It is 5:00 am Saturday morning..... my day to sleep in, and yet I have this terrible headache and neck pain, so here I am on the computer wondering what in the world to write about.
It has been quite a week, I think I am busier now than when I worked... My DH and I went to see a Psychic Show on Thursday in Seattle. We have been a few times and it is fun. This time their was a woman that was giving readings after. She is a Shamanic Healer, her name was Melissa. For some reason I had been drawn to her all night. I was in the very back of the room and she sat in the very front of the room and yet I just kept staring at her... When the show ended she was introduced and we were told she would give readings. So I just had to tell her that I was drawn to her and she had such good energy. I am a very empathetic person and very sensitive to the people around me, so much so that sometimes I will pick up their moods , feelings etc and wonder where it came from... I know it sounds weird, but I have been like this since I was a child. People I do not know will come up to me and talk to me about their problems or tragedies. There is nothing Special about it, it is just me and I have been blessed w/ empathy. Anyway back to Melissa. I told her I did not need a reading just wanted her to know how "beautiful" she was and how much good energy surrounded her... She thanked me and held my hand for a moment and then asked if I had just recently suffered a loss... I said" yes I did".. She said "she wants me to tell you that she wasn't ready, do you understand that?" I was quiet for a little while and then told her that I had had a miscarriage and yes I did understand it. She then went on to tell me that it was definately a little girl and that nothing I did made this happen and that my little one said "I must let her go, I must greive for her and let her go so that other children will come....She said she just was not ready yet." I of course started crying right there... It was so strange and yet so amazing.... How did she know, I didn't say anything... I think she truly has a gift to help people heal... I know that I walked away feeling so drained, so tired. But I felt better, if that makes sense???
I never knew how hard it would be to try and have a baby, I thought it would be so easy... But it has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on... But I will not give up, I will continue to fight for a baby, for a family, for my dreams..... I will have a Baby!!!
It has been quite a week, I think I am busier now than when I worked... My DH and I went to see a Psychic Show on Thursday in Seattle. We have been a few times and it is fun. This time their was a woman that was giving readings after. She is a Shamanic Healer, her name was Melissa. For some reason I had been drawn to her all night. I was in the very back of the room and she sat in the very front of the room and yet I just kept staring at her... When the show ended she was introduced and we were told she would give readings. So I just had to tell her that I was drawn to her and she had such good energy. I am a very empathetic person and very sensitive to the people around me, so much so that sometimes I will pick up their moods , feelings etc and wonder where it came from... I know it sounds weird, but I have been like this since I was a child. People I do not know will come up to me and talk to me about their problems or tragedies. There is nothing Special about it, it is just me and I have been blessed w/ empathy. Anyway back to Melissa. I told her I did not need a reading just wanted her to know how "beautiful" she was and how much good energy surrounded her... She thanked me and held my hand for a moment and then asked if I had just recently suffered a loss... I said" yes I did".. She said "she wants me to tell you that she wasn't ready, do you understand that?" I was quiet for a little while and then told her that I had had a miscarriage and yes I did understand it. She then went on to tell me that it was definately a little girl and that nothing I did made this happen and that my little one said "I must let her go, I must greive for her and let her go so that other children will come....She said she just was not ready yet." I of course started crying right there... It was so strange and yet so amazing.... How did she know, I didn't say anything... I think she truly has a gift to help people heal... I know that I walked away feeling so drained, so tired. But I felt better, if that makes sense???
I never knew how hard it would be to try and have a baby, I thought it would be so easy... But it has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on... But I will not give up, I will continue to fight for a baby, for a family, for my dreams..... I will have a Baby!!!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Butter Bean
These three tests were all taken on January 28th 2007 when I had my very first BFP! I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby! I called my husband crying, so excited and happy.. He left work telling them I have an emergency! My wife is going to have a baby.. he left speeding home to be w/ me and to just let it all sink in... I remember crying all the way home from Wal-Mart crying and praying.. I just kept telling God that I was going to be a good mama and I was going to love this Baby more than anything.. I just kept thanking God over and over asking that he keep us safe... The next month was filled w/ some scary times but for the most part I was so thrilled.. When I threw up like I had never done before I was happy and thanked God for the miracle inside of me. Ron and I nicknamed our Baby Buter Bean Bowman. We were so in love! But Butter Bean was not meant to be... I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and all they could find was a sac measuring at 6 weeks. I was devestated, I had never know pain like that. So February 24th I started my MC. There are no words to explain the physical and mental pain that I went through that week... I would have given anything for Butter Bean....
It has been a struggle and some days I am so sad..... But lately I have been feeling positive and have decided to Believe and stay positive.. So no more doubt! I will get pregnant, I will have a Baby! I just keep telling myself that over and over again.. I am just hoping it is sooner rather than later.....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
I Believe that I will get pregnant again....
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