I was so sure...

I was preggo again for 6 days and oh what a wonderful 6 days they were.. I started bleeding after we had gotten our HCG test of a whopping 11 back from the doctor.... I was so sure this was it, I was so sure that in November I would be holding our little one.... I have been praying and hoping and believing and I lost another one..My oven is broken, I am broken... I keep thinking that maybe God does not think I deserve a baby of my own?? Or maybe I am just not worthy... Ron and I have been dealing as well as we can...

I had a dream last night.. I dreamed that after the MC I went to see the doctor a month or two later and she said she had wonderful news... I had not suffered a MC, in fact I was a few months pregnant and we were going to have a little girl.. I could not believe it, I asked for pictures, I needed proof... She set me up for an ultrasound right away and there was a beautiful baby girl growing inside of me.. I woke up crying.. That is how much my heart is breaking... I have not been able to cry much.. I feel somewhat numb.... I was just so sure.. Even now I want to go POAS with the hopes that this MC was all a bad dream.. You know..

I have such an amazing group of friends who have been there the last two years for me as I have struggled through so many ups and downs... I am not sure what I would do w/o them.. I have gotten so many letters and calls and for some reason I can not write them back or call back... I think it is cause I am so scared of coming undone.. Of just losing it.. I have been so strong for everyone because I feel like I have let them down.. Even my surrogate Mom asked me today, when was I going to break.. I told her I was good, I am dealing.. We have a good doctor and hey at least I got pregnant.. I am fine.. Or at least I will be...

A very wise woman once told me in her darkest of hours that God will not take you anywhere that he won't lead you through... So I am trusting in God to lead me through this pain and hurt... Cause I can not do it alone... I was so sure that Sticky would stick.. So sure... So fucking sure.... I was wrong.... So wrong.. My heart hurts so much for what is not to be.. How is it that we made so many plans in those 6 days?? We had so many hopes w/ Sticky... So many plans...As I sit here writing this, I am exhausted and the tears will not stop running down my face... I do not want to be sad, I do not want to hurt.. I just want to Believe, to be happy to know that good things happen to good people, I want to feel deserving, I want to be a mama, I want to be a family.... Maybe I want to much...