Dark Place

I am in a bad place right now and have been for the last 2 weeks or so. I had a break down last night. I am taking Metformin and Progesterone. There are side effects that come from both and I have always been very sensitive to any kind of meds.. It has been really rough, I am getting sick for the third time this year. I think I was sick once maybe twice last year. My defenses are just shot, they are gone. So after going through the last two weeks w/ stomach cramping and diarreah I started to develop thrush in my mouth, Can you say fucking disgusting!! It is driving me nuts. So I called my doctor and got some more nasty medicine. This crap called Nystatin Oral is nasty. You are supposed to put 1 teaspoon in your mouth and swish it around for as long as possible and then swallow it. I swear it was like swishing snot in my mouth... I gagged like crazy! Yuck! And I get to do it every 6 hours.. Yummyyy...

So here I am miserable, depresed and falling apart. I told my DH last night that even if they gave me more meds that made me feel even worse I would still take them because I want to be a mom so bad, that I think I would do anything. But on days like last night I was ready to call my whole life quits.. I was ready for someone to end it all for me.. I know it is sad, and maybe people will think I am just a big fat whiner. I don't fucking care anymore. This shit sucks!! Seriously!! Every day I am reminded of my faliure to reproduce by the many baby bellies I see, the beautiful children with their families..... I hate who I have become, I feel as if I am a shell of the person I once was. I can not find happiness anymore. Because what would make me happy is to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 months and then give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby! One that I made w/ my amazing husband.

I keep trying to believe, to have faith, to believe in Miracles....but everything is against me. More and more every day I am beginning to believe that I am not deserving... That I will spend my life in this infertile hole trying to get out and just falling deeper every day. Tonight I feel alone and so sad.. My heart just aches for the two babies that were not to be, for all of the pain, for all the other losses, for the many women who have become such amazing friends who are in the same situation...

God, if you are still there and you still hear me, please bring me out of this dark place. Give me strength to endure all of this pain and help me to see all that I have. Help me to be thankful for my family and friends. Give me faith, because right now I need it more than anything. God, please just give me something, anything, just a sliver of light.....