The Fat Lady Will Not Sing!

I have not written in a while.. Just have not been in the best of space and then Ron and I decided to take a month off from TTC and just try and enjoy life.. It is hard to do though cause TTCing is always on the brain and in your heart. It does not matter how hard you try to not think about it, it is always w/ you.

I have my appointment on Monday and I am scared shit less. Seriously! I am so worried about what the doctor will say. I am worried he will tell me that I am to fat and I need to go home and lose some more weight. I am scared he will tell me it is over, no children for us! I know that I need to lose a lot more weight but it is not easy! I am trying and trying w/ only 36lbs lost. I am stuck at that number.

I have been reading a lot online about fat people and IVF. There is some really mean people out there. I need to stop reading all of that crap. Some people feel that if you are fat and you get pregnant you are abusing your child from day one. You are setting them up to be overweight and have all kinds of problems. I have also read that the reason fat women can't get pregnant and stay pregnant is cause GOD made it that way! Does being fat mean that I do not deserve to be pregnant, that I do not deserve to be a mama, that GOD does not want me to have a Baby?? I am just beside myself. If I could wave a wand and be skinny I would, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been struggling w/ my weight for 21 yrs. That is a long struggle!

I talked w/ DH last night about having the lap Band surgery so I could lose weight. They say after one year you can start trying to conceive again. That means I would be 34 when we started trying again. I could finally be skinny! But there are so many risks and he does not want me to do it. He says we will just keep eating well, going to the gym, etc. He says he loves me just the way I am and does not want me to lose my life just for a chance to be skinny... So as of right now I will not be looking into that kind of surgery. but if the doctor says I am to fat, I am going to look into the surgery.

I am meeting up w/ all of my online friends in December and am so excited, but scared at the same time. I am so embarrassed at being overweight and worry that people will not like me, or that they will think less of me. I know this is all crazy talk, cause all of the women I will meet are amazing and kind, but my low self esteem and struggle w/ my weight make me irrational at times... Also the years of name calling and teasing did not help either..

Well 5 days till my appointment! Wish me luck! Its not over till the fat lady sings, and I for one am not planning on singing till we are holding our little one in our arms!!

Hormonal Post

It has been a rough few days, and w/ AF just around the corner my hormones are running wild.

I think I am just done. Between all the meds, the hormones, feeling like shit every day... I just do not think I am strong enough anymore. Then to top it off I had an awful experience w/ a woman this last week.. I can't help but keep playing what she said over and over again in my head...

Here is what happened:

I was speaking w/ a woman at work on Thursday. She was a customer and had two beautiful twin boys. I was commenting on them and how amazing and cute they were and she said oh, do you have children. I said no, my husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years, but one day we will. She then went on to tell me that she had her boys through IVF. She only waited one year and then did IVF. They put two embryos in and two babies came out. I told her we may go that way too, depending what the next few months brought. She then told me before I spend any money I should lose some weight cause it would be better for the babies. I was speechless, so I began defending myself telling her I had lost 34 lbs and was still losing, plus I was really healthy, all my blood work came back perfect.. I told her my doctor thought I was doing great... I told her I had been pregnant twice and lost both of them. She said well maybe it was because you are overweight. I wanted to scream at her, to yell.. It was just so mean, especially since I always blame myself for both MC's. I have always thought maybe it is because I am fat??? I see women who are bigger than me w/ new babies all the time?? I just do not know anymore...

God said that children are his reward, maybe I am to fat, and just not worthy enough.. Maybe that women was right... Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I do not deserve to be a mom???

But the other part of me knows that there is no way I could ever give up. Not when I have dreamed of holding my baby in my arms since I was a little girl. The sane part of me knows that I will be a wonderful Mama. I am a good person w/ a beautiful heart.. My husband and I love each other more every day. We have a wonderful life and will be amazing parents...

So the question is why does God choose to give some people children and others are punished?? I have been waiting for our miracle and two times we were so close.. But both times our miracles were ripped away from us! We had plans and hopes and dreams for both of our babies, and they were not to be.. I know I was not pregnant long with either of our babies, but God Damn It, we believed..... We let ourselves believe that our Miracle was finally here....

What happens if we never get our Miracle? If we never hold our little Baby, if we never have the family that we both desire so much? I fear that my heart will just break, that I will be no more... All of this Infertility shit has changed me.. It has left scars that most people will never see, it has filled me w/ pain unlike anything I have ever known, it has made me stronger and yet so much weaker, it is part of me now, it is always there like a cancer slowly dragging me down, eating away at all that is good. I fear that one day it will take me so deep that I may not ever see the light again, that I will stop believing, that I will lose all of my Faith in God and Miracles....

Please God, do not let that happen.

I still Believe! Today is just harder than others to Believe, to have Faith to Trust in God....

I know I am depressing, sorry.. I just need to get it all out before I go a little mental. Ok, so I am already mental..LOL

Progesterone Sucks!

So I am on Progesterone and it makes me feel pregnant! I hate that! Because some moments I let myself believe that just maybe I am preggo... I have been dizzy, hot, tired, sick to my tummy and just not feeling right since I started taking the Progesterone. This weekend, I was so tired, I slept a lot... I was so dizzy a few times, I just had to lay still. I take it at night beofre I go to bed, but it is the gift that keeps on giving...LOL Yuck!! Hate it!! It sucks!!! Just had to vent!

I have to go to work today! God how I hate Sundays now cause I have to work from 8:30 am till 6:30 Pm and sometimes I do not get out of there till 8... Yuck! So it is always a 10 to 12 hour day, how fun!

Wow, I sound bitter..LOL I actually woke up at 6:20 this morning and could not go back to bed.. I think that is what started my bitterness..LOL

So nothing else to report, just trying to do everything in the world to get knocked up and stay knocked up for 9 long months.. All these meds... Yikes, I hope they work cause it has not been a walk in the park!!

Well off to get ready for work..

I can only imagine...

I love this song... It brings me to tears. I asked Ron to make sure and play this song at my funeral one day. It makes me think of all those who have gone before me, of friends and family no longer here. I think of my angel babies who never made it. I think of Amaris, Logan, Anders, Bale & Crosby....

I can only imagine...

Sharon A Post

My mother was an amazing woman. She passed away almost 12 years ago and yet some days it feels as if it were yesterday. I know she is with me always. She is so much a part of who I am. I am reminded of her every time I look into the mirror. She used to call me her dearest heart and gentle soul... I miss that, I miss her...




Love you Mama....