I am a slacker

It has been forever since I have posted on my Blog. But I git a very nice note from another mama and she told me that she enjoyed reading my Blog, it made my heart feel super happy. I have missed writing in it and really do need a place to get it all out. I do not know if it will be another 6 months till I write in it again, but I will try. It is hard to get anything done with my little guy fast on my heels. He is my shadow and wherever I go there he is. He started walking at about 10 1/2 months and is now running and walking everywhere. He looks like a little drunken sailor when walking, so cute. He takes a lot of falls and has his mama worrying all the time. I am so ready to bubble wrap him and call it good. He says Hi and waves, he also says mama and dada. He just is starting to show his temper and wants what he wants. He is funny and opinionated and just all around full of piss and vinegar as my Mama would have said.

So much has happened. We just bought a new house and OMG, who knew it would be so expensive?? All the stuff you have to buy for taking care of the house and massive yard is very surprising. But I love the house. it is filled with so much sunlight and just feels good. I have lots of plans for painting, but am thinking it will have to wait until next summer. It is wonderful having a place of our own.

Well I would love to write some more but little guy just woke up and I need to get him changed and ready!

6 Months

Brinnon has filled my heart, he is my everything. His smile lights up my whole world. I just never knew that I could love like this. He is 6 months old and amazing.

It has been a rough 6 months. He just started sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. between sleep deprivation and all the crying I was at times ready to go crazy. Even with all the ups and downs I would not trade him for anything. It is hard for me to get on the computer anymore because he is constantly in need of my services. He loves to just go go go! He wants to be moving, exploring and learning all the time. He rolls over every which way, loves to stand and has a one track mind. He got his first tooth at 5 months and his second is coming in now too. Teething has been pretty challenging, but this too shall pass. He is constantly doing new things. He just signed his first word to me (Milk)! So cool, except now he wants milk all the time and breastfeeding all the time does not work so well. I can't believe I am still breastfeeding. It has been such a challenge but we are plugging away! I love it and so does he. I tried to give him formula and he refused it, I would too it tastes icky!

He has the prettiest eyes and I think he is pretty cute. He continues to amaze me every day! We got him his Halloween Costume, he is going to be a monkey. We are going to a Halloween Party tomorrow with all the couples and their babies that we attended our labor and delivery classes with. So exciting! 9 little babies all dressed up! Should be interesting. Hopefully I will have more time to update my blog! Right now Papa and baby are sleeping and I snuck into the computer room to have some me time.



Well off to bed, we have to be up early and who knows how long Brinnon will sleep!

Waiting is so hard....

5 days left till our due date! This waiting part has to be the hardest part of the last 9 months. We are so excited and can not wait to meet our little guy!

I have a doctors appt on Wednesday our due date and we are going to see if I progressed anymore. I am so hoping.

Wel all I can say is come on Baby Brinnon! We can not wait to meet you and hold you!

38 weeks and counting....

So I know I dropped off the face of the planet, but I am back. Not sure that anyone really follows my Blog, but I miss it. I plan on updating as much as possible. Pregnancy has been tough but I would not trade it for anything! I am in love with this little miracle inside of me. We are having a little boy. Ron and I our so excited to meet him. We have been waiting 41 months for him. He truly is our Miracle. We have been told that we could have him any day, but he is stubborn! I think he likes it in there...LOL So we shall see! I am hoping he will be here on the 11th... Not sure why that date, but just hoping....

Almost 16 weeks....

I can not believe that in 2 more days I will be 16 weeks. 4 months pregnant. I am so scared. I have never made it this far. I am so in love w/ baby M and I do not think I could deal w/ anything bad. I try to just have faith and believe, but some days are harder than others. I have not been on much because I have been so sick. They finally put me on Unisom and B6 and it helps a little. I went from throwing up 12 times a day to 3 or 4. It has been so hard and yet I would not trade it for anything in the world. My husband has been so amazing taking care of us and doing everything. I am so in love w/ him. He is my Heart! He is so excited to be a Papa! He will be a good one. He is kind and patient and emotional.

I have one more month till we get our big ultrasound. We will be able to find out what we are having. Everyone thinks we are having a girl. I hope so but will be happy w/ a healthy baby! It would just be nice to name my first born after my mama!

I miss my mom so much right now. Some days it is almost to much. I wish she was here to compare notes w/ to just have her hold me and tell me that everything will be ok... I have to believe that she is watching over me and M!!

God, please keep us safe....

7 Weeks today

I am pregnant w/ my Miracle. We went to see the Fertlity Specialist on Monday August 4th and we were supposed to start IUI this month, but that next morning I POAS and got a BFP. I have been so worried and stressed but today we went and had an ultrasound and there before me was the most beautiful Baby w/ a strong gorgeous heartbeat. I was in awe. We have named him or her Baby M. M being short for Miracle. I am so in love w/ Baby M. 31 months of pain and tears... We are finally going to have a baby! My due date is April 18th, 2009. I just keep praying that God keeps Baby M safe and sound...

I am scared.

Tomorrow is the big day! I get to meet my specialist. I am scared and nervous! What if he says there is nothing he can do for me??

I will update my blog when I get home.....

I am off to bed... Hopefully I can sleep!

The Fat Lady Will Not Sing!

I have not written in a while.. Just have not been in the best of space and then Ron and I decided to take a month off from TTC and just try and enjoy life.. It is hard to do though cause TTCing is always on the brain and in your heart. It does not matter how hard you try to not think about it, it is always w/ you.

I have my appointment on Monday and I am scared shit less. Seriously! I am so worried about what the doctor will say. I am worried he will tell me that I am to fat and I need to go home and lose some more weight. I am scared he will tell me it is over, no children for us! I know that I need to lose a lot more weight but it is not easy! I am trying and trying w/ only 36lbs lost. I am stuck at that number.

I have been reading a lot online about fat people and IVF. There is some really mean people out there. I need to stop reading all of that crap. Some people feel that if you are fat and you get pregnant you are abusing your child from day one. You are setting them up to be overweight and have all kinds of problems. I have also read that the reason fat women can't get pregnant and stay pregnant is cause GOD made it that way! Does being fat mean that I do not deserve to be pregnant, that I do not deserve to be a mama, that GOD does not want me to have a Baby?? I am just beside myself. If I could wave a wand and be skinny I would, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been struggling w/ my weight for 21 yrs. That is a long struggle!

I talked w/ DH last night about having the lap Band surgery so I could lose weight. They say after one year you can start trying to conceive again. That means I would be 34 when we started trying again. I could finally be skinny! But there are so many risks and he does not want me to do it. He says we will just keep eating well, going to the gym, etc. He says he loves me just the way I am and does not want me to lose my life just for a chance to be skinny... So as of right now I will not be looking into that kind of surgery. but if the doctor says I am to fat, I am going to look into the surgery.

I am meeting up w/ all of my online friends in December and am so excited, but scared at the same time. I am so embarrassed at being overweight and worry that people will not like me, or that they will think less of me. I know this is all crazy talk, cause all of the women I will meet are amazing and kind, but my low self esteem and struggle w/ my weight make me irrational at times... Also the years of name calling and teasing did not help either..

Well 5 days till my appointment! Wish me luck! Its not over till the fat lady sings, and I for one am not planning on singing till we are holding our little one in our arms!!

Hormonal Post

It has been a rough few days, and w/ AF just around the corner my hormones are running wild.

I think I am just done. Between all the meds, the hormones, feeling like shit every day... I just do not think I am strong enough anymore. Then to top it off I had an awful experience w/ a woman this last week.. I can't help but keep playing what she said over and over again in my head...

Here is what happened:

I was speaking w/ a woman at work on Thursday. She was a customer and had two beautiful twin boys. I was commenting on them and how amazing and cute they were and she said oh, do you have children. I said no, my husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years, but one day we will. She then went on to tell me that she had her boys through IVF. She only waited one year and then did IVF. They put two embryos in and two babies came out. I told her we may go that way too, depending what the next few months brought. She then told me before I spend any money I should lose some weight cause it would be better for the babies. I was speechless, so I began defending myself telling her I had lost 34 lbs and was still losing, plus I was really healthy, all my blood work came back perfect.. I told her my doctor thought I was doing great... I told her I had been pregnant twice and lost both of them. She said well maybe it was because you are overweight. I wanted to scream at her, to yell.. It was just so mean, especially since I always blame myself for both MC's. I have always thought maybe it is because I am fat??? I see women who are bigger than me w/ new babies all the time?? I just do not know anymore...

God said that children are his reward, maybe I am to fat, and just not worthy enough.. Maybe that women was right... Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I do not deserve to be a mom???

But the other part of me knows that there is no way I could ever give up. Not when I have dreamed of holding my baby in my arms since I was a little girl. The sane part of me knows that I will be a wonderful Mama. I am a good person w/ a beautiful heart.. My husband and I love each other more every day. We have a wonderful life and will be amazing parents...

So the question is why does God choose to give some people children and others are punished?? I have been waiting for our miracle and two times we were so close.. But both times our miracles were ripped away from us! We had plans and hopes and dreams for both of our babies, and they were not to be.. I know I was not pregnant long with either of our babies, but God Damn It, we believed..... We let ourselves believe that our Miracle was finally here....

What happens if we never get our Miracle? If we never hold our little Baby, if we never have the family that we both desire so much? I fear that my heart will just break, that I will be no more... All of this Infertility shit has changed me.. It has left scars that most people will never see, it has filled me w/ pain unlike anything I have ever known, it has made me stronger and yet so much weaker, it is part of me now, it is always there like a cancer slowly dragging me down, eating away at all that is good. I fear that one day it will take me so deep that I may not ever see the light again, that I will stop believing, that I will lose all of my Faith in God and Miracles....

Please God, do not let that happen.

I still Believe! Today is just harder than others to Believe, to have Faith to Trust in God....

I know I am depressing, sorry.. I just need to get it all out before I go a little mental. Ok, so I am already mental..LOL

Progesterone Sucks!

So I am on Progesterone and it makes me feel pregnant! I hate that! Because some moments I let myself believe that just maybe I am preggo... I have been dizzy, hot, tired, sick to my tummy and just not feeling right since I started taking the Progesterone. This weekend, I was so tired, I slept a lot... I was so dizzy a few times, I just had to lay still. I take it at night beofre I go to bed, but it is the gift that keeps on giving...LOL Yuck!! Hate it!! It sucks!!! Just had to vent!

I have to go to work today! God how I hate Sundays now cause I have to work from 8:30 am till 6:30 Pm and sometimes I do not get out of there till 8... Yuck! So it is always a 10 to 12 hour day, how fun!

Wow, I sound bitter..LOL I actually woke up at 6:20 this morning and could not go back to bed.. I think that is what started my bitterness..LOL

So nothing else to report, just trying to do everything in the world to get knocked up and stay knocked up for 9 long months.. All these meds... Yikes, I hope they work cause it has not been a walk in the park!!

Well off to get ready for work..

I can only imagine...

I love this song... It brings me to tears. I asked Ron to make sure and play this song at my funeral one day. It makes me think of all those who have gone before me, of friends and family no longer here. I think of my angel babies who never made it. I think of Amaris, Logan, Anders, Bale & Crosby....

I can only imagine...

Sharon A Post

My mother was an amazing woman. She passed away almost 12 years ago and yet some days it feels as if it were yesterday. I know she is with me always. She is so much a part of who I am. I am reminded of her every time I look into the mirror. She used to call me her dearest heart and gentle soul... I miss that, I miss her...




Love you Mama....

The Scale

I hate the scale, but lately I have been excited to step on it once a week. I just stepped on it w/ clothes on and have lost almost 29 lbs. I have a long way to go...LOL But it feels good. I have not been this weight since my early 20's. My ticker says I have 50 lbs to lose, but in reality I would like to lose 100 lbs. But if I have smaller increments it does not seem like an impossible goal. Does that make sense? If I have a ticker that says only 75 more to go, I would feel discouraged.. After this 50 that I lose I am going to have another ticker w/ 25 to lose and then another 25 to lose. I will reach my goal! I want to be healthy and I want to have a baby!! You know!

Just had to update on my weight loss journey! The Metformin is helping.. It sucks but it is helping, lol! I am off to make myself a low fat vanilla smoothie w/ bananas and frozen berries... Mmmmhhhhhhh... I am going to wear my new pants today and maybe I will try and take a full body pic.. I try and only do face shots cause I always feel so fat..LOL

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

I interviewed for the Assistant Manager position and I got it along w/ a raise so we can pay off more bills.. It is not what I want to do forever, but it is a means to an end.

I went shopping this last weekend at my favorite place for Chubby Chicks, Lane Bryant and decided I was in need of some more dress clothes for my promotion! I get to wear nice stuff now..LOL I hated wearing my Polyester pants!! Yuck! So I went and the saleslady said I looked like I needed some new jeans in a new size. I told her I had only lost 25 lbs and still had a lot more to go. I told her I was not there to look at jeans but thanks.. She would not drop it, she said just try some on, please for her.. So I did and she brought me some that were 2 sizes smaller than what I have been wearing forever. I told her there was no way my fat ass would fit into them. She told me to humor her, so I did. Ready to be embarrassed cause I would not be able to squeeze myself into them. I was WRONG, they fit perfect. I could not believe it. I thought I was dreaming! I have been in the same size pant forever, especially jeans. It was an awesome feeling!! So I had to get 2 pairs of jeans some cute Summer tops that would be great as Maternity tops cause I am so going to get knocked up! I got a new lace bra that is a beautiful orange color, 2 new sweaters a black one and a lilac one. I felt so guilty, but Ron made me do it! He said I deserved it.. I love him so much!! I am so blessed! Can you believe that I did not get anything I could wear to work. Funny huh?

On the Med front, I am doing better.. I think.. Some days are good, some days are shitty but I just keep telling myself it is for our baby!!! Our Baby who will some day be a reality!

Oh, more good news! I just found out my new insurance that kicks in will cover IVF up to 90% if you use a preferred provider.. So I looked up some PP Re's and one of them was from Seattle Reproductive Medicine. They are one of the best! I was so relieved.. So happy!! Another reason I am glad I have my job.

Ok, I am off to bed, I am so tired! Work is kicking my ass..LOL Sorry for the cuss words today! Not sure what is wrong with me?? I noticed that I use a lot of exclamation points, my friend Jennifer was just talking about that in her journal. How she did not want to be known as the Exclamation Queen, I am sure I have her beat, lol.

Oh, if you are reading, thanks it means a lot to me! Lots of love!

I feel like a Big Downer

I am feeling a little better but yesterday between being sick, AF being here and dealing w/ all of my medicine side effects I was done!! Stick a fork in me done. I have so much on my plate and have been so sad and feeling so hopeless. I am beginning to think people are getting sick of me. Maybe cause all I seem to do lately is complain and feel sorry for myself. I try not to, but this last month has been awful. After the miscarriage, the HSG, the meds, the side effects and awful period have just been a little much and have made for a very long 5 weeks! I think it is ok for me to have my moments...maybe.... I do not know.

I had an interview today! It was a panel interview w/ 7, yes 7 people. WOW, it was a little much. But my Senior manager walked me out and told me that everything was great and that I did a fantastic job. he later called my boss and told him that everyone thought I was great! Yipppeeee... So hopefully I will get it and then I will be making a little bit more money and the more bills we can pay off so when we DO have our Baby I will be able to stay home w/ him or her. That is always my goal! So I will keep everyone posted. Hopefully I will know in a few days.

Well today my cold seems to be a little better, but the last 4 nights have been filled w/ so much coughing and not enough sleeping. I have been exhausted. So tired.. So I am taking some night time meds tonight and going to bed. I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom on the futon the last two nights so Ron can get some sleep. it has been rough.

Tomorrow is my Friday! Yeah! My Dad and Step-Mom are coming over on Sat to go to a movie and lunch. I am looking forward to it!

The New Me

I am off today and got to sleep in a little.. I think all of the hormones and the fact that AF will be here any minute is making me crazy.... I am still sad and can not shake it.. Life is just so f'ing hard sometimes.. You know...

Thanks for all of your love and prayers!!



Anyway I wanted to post a before and after shot of my hair cause I promised to do so..LOL




Old Hair, Really getting big..LOL




New Hair, I really like it.. I think it turned out great! It made me feel better! I even put make-up on...LOL

Dark Place

I am in a bad place right now and have been for the last 2 weeks or so. I had a break down last night. I am taking Metformin and Progesterone. There are side effects that come from both and I have always been very sensitive to any kind of meds.. It has been really rough, I am getting sick for the third time this year. I think I was sick once maybe twice last year. My defenses are just shot, they are gone. So after going through the last two weeks w/ stomach cramping and diarreah I started to develop thrush in my mouth, Can you say fucking disgusting!! It is driving me nuts. So I called my doctor and got some more nasty medicine. This crap called Nystatin Oral is nasty. You are supposed to put 1 teaspoon in your mouth and swish it around for as long as possible and then swallow it. I swear it was like swishing snot in my mouth... I gagged like crazy! Yuck! And I get to do it every 6 hours.. Yummyyy...

So here I am miserable, depresed and falling apart. I told my DH last night that even if they gave me more meds that made me feel even worse I would still take them because I want to be a mom so bad, that I think I would do anything. But on days like last night I was ready to call my whole life quits.. I was ready for someone to end it all for me.. I know it is sad, and maybe people will think I am just a big fat whiner. I don't fucking care anymore. This shit sucks!! Seriously!! Every day I am reminded of my faliure to reproduce by the many baby bellies I see, the beautiful children with their families..... I hate who I have become, I feel as if I am a shell of the person I once was. I can not find happiness anymore. Because what would make me happy is to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 months and then give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby! One that I made w/ my amazing husband.

I keep trying to believe, to have faith, to believe in Miracles....but everything is against me. More and more every day I am beginning to believe that I am not deserving... That I will spend my life in this infertile hole trying to get out and just falling deeper every day. Tonight I feel alone and so sad.. My heart just aches for the two babies that were not to be, for all of the pain, for all the other losses, for the many women who have become such amazing friends who are in the same situation...

God, if you are still there and you still hear me, please bring me out of this dark place. Give me strength to endure all of this pain and help me to see all that I have. Help me to be thankful for my family and friends. Give me faith, because right now I need it more than anything. God, please just give me something, anything, just a sliver of light.....

HSG Completed

So it went ok, and I am feeling ok...It hurt and was not fun but I made it through the whole procedure w/ no tears.. But when she said everyting was perfect, well, then I cried. She was wonderful and comforted me. She said she has great hope and this was great news...

My Uterus is the picture of perfection, the dye went through really fast, no blockages in the tubes, no abnormal lumps or bumps.. Just a perfect little uterus that can not sustain life.... I guess I was hoping they would find something that they could fix, does that make sense??

So now we just have lots of sex and keep taking the metformin and use progesterone once I have ovulated for 14 days... Exercise, keep losing weight and eat only good stuff...oh, and pray, not sure if God really hears me anymore.. I seem to be a broken record lately..

Even feeling as down as I am I still have hope.. Maybe I am crazy, but I still Believe that it will happen... I am just so tired of being sad...

I am off to take a nap and some more advil.. Theses are weird cramps, not sure how to explain them...

Oh I have to add, I found a new hair salon and made an appointment for Friday April 11th!! Yipppeee for new hair, it has been 5 months.. My hair is looking scary and Big!!! LOL

HSG

Well my HSG is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. I am nervous and scared.. Not so much of the pain that may be involved w/ it.. I guess there is a deeper fear one that says they will find nothing wrong and I will be right back where I started from. Trying to conceive! Getting pregnant once a year but unable to sustain life in my uterus. It makes me feel like I have failed as a mother before I ever really got a chance to be one... Maybe that does not make any sense? Who knows, I am so tired and should go to bed.. I am procrastinating. I figure if I do not go to bed then tomorrow will not come as fast, I know really special logic...LOL

Well pray that tomorrow goes smoothly and they find something, some reason why I can not sustain life inside of me... Why it is not a good place for our embies to hunker down for 9 months...

Wish Me Luck

I am off to the Seattle Science Center again... Why do I do this to myself?? I will never know..LOL The kids that I have been tutoring in ASL for the last 9 months or so are coming over to see me. We are meeting there and then we will learn signs and play. It should be fun! I am hoping since I am in a better frame of mind that seeing all of the families and children and pregnant women will bring me hope this time around, not despair. So please say a little prayer for me... I will update when I get home..

**************Update*******************

So everyhitng went really well.. We had a contest to see who could remember the most signs.. In the end they both won and were able to pick out something from the gift shop.. They both picked out stuffed dogs..LOL We saw a brand new IMAX that came out called The Grand Canyon 3d, wow, it was amazing... I would reccomend it to everyone!! Well, kind of boring today! I took a nap when I got hime due to a headache.. Just not feeling quite right.. Not sure if it has anything to do w/ the new meds I am on?? We will have to see... I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter, I will be at work... Yippeeee! LOL