I Believe

I am a slacker

2010-05-17T16:23:00.000-07:00

It has been forever since I have posted on my Blog. But I git a very nice note from another mama and she told me that she enjoyed reading my Blog, it made my heart feel super happy. I have missed writing in it and really do need a place to get it all out. I do not know if it will be another 6 months till I write in it again, but I will try. It is hard to get anything done with my little guy fast on my heels. He is my shadow and wherever I go there he is. He started walking at about 10 1/2 months and is now running and walking everywhere. He looks like a little drunken sailor when walking, so cute. He takes a lot of falls and has his mama worrying all the time. I am so ready to bubble wrap him and call it good. He says Hi and waves, he also says mama and dada. He just is starting to show his temper and wants what he wants. He is funny and opinionated and just all around full of piss and vinegar as my Mama would have said.

So much has happened. We just bought a new house and OMG, who knew it would be so expensive?? All the stuff you have to buy for taking care of the house and massive yard is very surprising. But I love the house. it is filled with so much sunlight and just feels good. I have lots of plans for painting, but am thinking it will have to wait until next summer. It is wonderful having a place of our own.

Well I would love to write some more but little guy just woke up and I need to get him changed and ready!

6 Months

2009-10-24T00:49:00.001-07:00

Brinnon has filled my heart, he is my everything. His smile lights up my whole world. I just never knew that I could love like this. He is 6 months old and amazing.

It has been a rough 6 months. He just started sleeping more than 2 hours at a time. between sleep deprivation and all the crying I was at times ready to go crazy. Even with all the ups and downs I would not trade him for anything. It is hard for me to get on the computer anymore because he is constantly in need of my services. He loves to just go go go! He wants to be moving, exploring and learning all the time. He rolls over every which way, loves to stand and has a one track mind. He got his first tooth at 5 months and his second is coming in now too. Teething has been pretty challenging, but this too shall pass. He is constantly doing new things. He just signed his first word to me (Milk)! So cool, except now he wants milk all the time and breastfeeding all the time does not work so well. I can't believe I am still breastfeeding. It has been such a challenge but we are plugging away! I love it and so does he. I tried to give him formula and he refused it, I would too it tastes icky!

He has the prettiest eyes and I think he is pretty cute. He continues to amaze me every day! We got him his Halloween Costume, he is going to be a monkey. We are going to a Halloween Party tomorrow with all the couples and their babies that we attended our labor and delivery classes with. So exciting! 9 little babies all dressed up! Should be interesting. Hopefully I will have more time to update my blog! Right now Papa and baby are sleeping and I snuck into the computer room to have some me time.

Well off to bed, we have to be up early and who knows how long Brinnon will sleep!

Waiting is so hard....

2009-04-10T15:35:00.000-07:00

5 days left till our due date! This waiting part has to be the hardest part of the last 9 months. We are so excited and can not wait to meet our little guy!

I have a doctors appt on Wednesday our due date and we are going to see if I progressed anymore. I am so hoping.

Wel all I can say is come on Baby Brinnon! We can not wait to meet you and hold you!

38 weeks and counting....

2009-04-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

So I know I dropped off the face of the planet, but I am back. Not sure that anyone really follows my Blog, but I miss it. I plan on updating as much as possible. Pregnancy has been tough but I would not trade it for anything! I am in love with this little miracle inside of me. We are having a little boy. Ron and I our so excited to meet him. We have been waiting 41 months for him. He truly is our Miracle. We have been told that we could have him any day, but he is stubborn! I think he likes it in there...LOL So we shall see! I am hoping he will be here on the 11th... Not sure why that date, but just hoping....

Almost 16 weeks....

2008-10-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

I can not believe that in 2 more days I will be 16 weeks. 4 months pregnant. I am so scared. I have never made it this far. I am so in love w/ baby M and I do not think I could deal w/ anything bad. I try to just have faith and believe, but some days are harder than others. I have not been on much because I have been so sick. They finally put me on Unisom and B6 and it helps a little. I went from throwing up 12 times a day to 3 or 4. It has been so hard and yet I would not trade it for anything in the world. My husband has been so amazing taking care of us and doing everything. I am so in love w/ him. He is my Heart! He is so excited to be a Papa! He will be a good one. He is kind and patient and emotional.

I have one more month till we get our big ultrasound. We will be able to find out what we are having. Everyone thinks we are having a girl. I hope so but will be happy w/ a healthy baby! It would just be nice to name my first born after my mama!

I miss my mom so much right now. Some days it is almost to much. I wish she was here to compare notes w/ to just have her hold me and tell me that everything will be ok... I have to believe that she is watching over me and M!!

God, please keep us safe....

7 Weeks today

2008-08-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

I am pregnant w/ my Miracle. We went to see the Fertlity Specialist on Monday August 4th and we were supposed to start IUI this month, but that next morning I POAS and got a BFP. I have been so worried and stressed but today we went and had an ultrasound and there before me was the most beautiful Baby w/ a strong gorgeous heartbeat. I was in awe. We have named him or her Baby M. M being short for Miracle. I am so in love w/ Baby M. 31 months of pain and tears... We are finally going to have a baby! My due date is April 18th, 2009. I just keep praying that God keeps Baby M safe and sound...

I am scared.

2008-08-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day! I get to meet my specialist. I am scared and nervous! What if he says there is nothing he can do for me??

I will update my blog when I get home.....

I am off to bed... Hopefully I can sleep!

The Fat Lady Will Not Sing!

2008-07-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

I have not written in a while.. Just have not been in the best of space and then Ron and I decided to take a month off from TTC and just try and enjoy life.. It is hard to do though cause TTCing is always on the brain and in your heart. It does not matter how hard you try to not think about it, it is always w/ you.

I have my appointment on Monday and I am scared shit less. Seriously! I am so worried about what the doctor will say. I am worried he will tell me that I am to fat and I need to go home and lose some more weight. I am scared he will tell me it is over, no children for us! I know that I need to lose a lot more weight but it is not easy! I am trying and trying w/ only 36lbs lost. I am stuck at that number.

I have been reading a lot online about fat people and IVF. There is some really mean people out there. I need to stop reading all of that crap. Some people feel that if you are fat and you get pregnant you are abusing your child from day one. You are setting them up to be overweight and have all kinds of problems. I have also read that the reason fat women can't get pregnant and stay pregnant is cause GOD made it that way! Does being fat mean that I do not deserve to be pregnant, that I do not deserve to be a mama, that GOD does not want me to have a Baby?? I am just beside myself. If I could wave a wand and be skinny I would, I have been overweight my whole life. I have been struggling w/ my weight for 21 yrs. That is a long struggle!

I talked w/ DH last night about having the lap Band surgery so I could lose weight. They say after one year you can start trying to conceive again. That means I would be 34 when we started trying again. I could finally be skinny! But there are so many risks and he does not want me to do it. He says we will just keep eating well, going to the gym, etc. He says he loves me just the way I am and does not want me to lose my life just for a chance to be skinny... So as of right now I will not be looking into that kind of surgery. but if the doctor says I am to fat, I am going to look into the surgery.

I am meeting up w/ all of my online friends in December and am so excited, but scared at the same time. I am so embarrassed at being overweight and worry that people will not like me, or that they will think less of me. I know this is all crazy talk, cause all of the women I will meet are amazing and kind, but my low self esteem and struggle w/ my weight make me irrational at times... Also the years of name calling and teasing did not help either..

Well 5 days till my appointment! Wish me luck! Its not over till the fat lady sings, and I for one am not planning on singing till we are holding our little one in our arms!!

Hormonal Post

2008-06-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

It has been a rough few days, and w/ AF just around the corner my hormones are running wild.

I think I am just done. Between all the meds, the hormones, feeling like shit every day... I just do not think I am strong enough anymore. Then to top it off I had an awful experience w/ a woman this last week.. I can't help but keep playing what she said over and over again in my head...

Here is what happened:

I was speaking w/ a woman at work on Thursday. She was a customer and had two beautiful twin boys. I was commenting on them and how amazing and cute they were and she said oh, do you have children. I said no, my husband and I have been trying for 2 1/2 years, but one day we will. She then went on to tell me that she had her boys through IVF. She only waited one year and then did IVF. They put two embryos in and two babies came out. I told her we may go that way too, depending what the next few months brought. She then told me before I spend any money I should lose some weight cause it would be better for the babies. I was speechless, so I began defending myself telling her I had lost 34 lbs and was still losing, plus I was really healthy, all my blood work came back perfect.. I told her my doctor thought I was doing great... I told her I had been pregnant twice and lost both of them. She said well maybe it was because you are overweight. I wanted to scream at her, to yell.. It was just so mean, especially since I always blame myself for both MC's. I have always thought maybe it is because I am fat??? I see women who are bigger than me w/ new babies all the time?? I just do not know anymore...

God said that children are his reward, maybe I am to fat, and just not worthy enough.. Maybe that women was right... Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I do not deserve to be a mom???

But the other part of me knows that there is no way I could ever give up. Not when I have dreamed of holding my baby in my arms since I was a little girl. The sane part of me knows that I will be a wonderful Mama. I am a good person w/ a beautiful heart.. My husband and I love each other more every day. We have a wonderful life and will be amazing parents...

So the question is why does God choose to give some people children and others are punished?? I have been waiting for our miracle and two times we were so close.. But both times our miracles were ripped away from us! We had plans and hopes and dreams for both of our babies, and they were not to be.. I know I was not pregnant long with either of our babies, but God Damn It, we believed..... We let ourselves believe that our Miracle was finally here....

What happens if we never get our Miracle? If we never hold our little Baby, if we never have the family that we both desire so much? I fear that my heart will just break, that I will be no more... All of this Infertility shit has changed me.. It has left scars that most people will never see, it has filled me w/ pain unlike anything I have ever known, it has made me stronger and yet so much weaker, it is part of me now, it is always there like a cancer slowly dragging me down, eating away at all that is good. I fear that one day it will take me so deep that I may not ever see the light again, that I will stop believing, that I will lose all of my Faith in God and Miracles....

Please God, do not let that happen.

I still Believe! Today is just harder than others to Believe, to have Faith to Trust in God....

I know I am depressing, sorry.. I just need to get it all out before I go a little mental. Ok, so I am already mental..LOL

Progesterone Sucks!

2008-06-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

So I am on Progesterone and it makes me feel pregnant! I hate that! Because some moments I let myself believe that just maybe I am preggo... I have been dizzy, hot, tired, sick to my tummy and just not feeling right since I started taking the Progesterone. This weekend, I was so tired, I slept a lot... I was so dizzy a few times, I just had to lay still. I take it at night beofre I go to bed, but it is the gift that keeps on giving...LOL Yuck!! Hate it!! It sucks!!! Just had to vent!

I have to go to work today! God how I hate Sundays now cause I have to work from 8:30 am till 6:30 Pm and sometimes I do not get out of there till 8... Yuck! So it is always a 10 to 12 hour day, how fun!

Wow, I sound bitter..LOL I actually woke up at 6:20 this morning and could not go back to bed.. I think that is what started my bitterness..LOL

So nothing else to report, just trying to do everything in the world to get knocked up and stay knocked up for 9 long months.. All these meds... Yikes, I hope they work cause it has not been a walk in the park!!

Well off to get ready for work..

I can only imagine...

2008-05-24T20:54:00.001-07:00

I love this song... It brings me to tears. I asked Ron to make sure and play this song at my funeral one day. It makes me think of all those who have gone before me, of friends and family no longer here. I think of my angel babies who never made it. I think of Amaris, Logan, Anders, Bale & Crosby....

I can only imagine...

Sharon A Post

2008-05-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

My mother was an amazing woman. She passed away almost 12 years ago and yet some days it feels as if it were yesterday. I know she is with me always. She is so much a part of who I am. I am reminded of her every time I look into the mirror. She used to call me her dearest heart and gentle soul... I miss that, I miss her...

Love you Mama....

The Scale

2008-05-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

I hate the scale, but lately I have been excited to step on it once a week. I just stepped on it w/ clothes on and have lost almost 29 lbs. I have a long way to go...LOL But it feels good. I have not been this weight since my early 20's. My ticker says I have 50 lbs to lose, but in reality I would like to lose 100 lbs. But if I have smaller increments it does not seem like an impossible goal. Does that make sense? If I have a ticker that says only 75 more to go, I would feel discouraged.. After this 50 that I lose I am going to have another ticker w/ 25 to lose and then another 25 to lose. I will reach my goal! I want to be healthy and I want to have a baby!! You know!

Just had to update on my weight loss journey! The Metformin is helping.. It sucks but it is helping, lol! I am off to make myself a low fat vanilla smoothie w/ bananas and frozen berries... Mmmmhhhhhhh... I am going to wear my new pants today and maybe I will try and take a full body pic.. I try and only do face shots cause I always feel so fat..LOL

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

2008-04-30T20:50:00.001-07:00

I interviewed for the Assistant Manager position and I got it along w/ a raise so we can pay off more bills.. It is not what I want to do forever, but it is a means to an end.

I went shopping this last weekend at my favorite place for Chubby Chicks, Lane Bryant and decided I was in need of some more dress clothes for my promotion! I get to wear nice stuff now..LOL I hated wearing my Polyester pants!! Yuck! So I went and the saleslady said I looked like I needed some new jeans in a new size. I told her I had only lost 25 lbs and still had a lot more to go. I told her I was not there to look at jeans but thanks.. She would not drop it, she said just try some on, please for her.. So I did and she brought me some that were 2 sizes smaller than what I have been wearing forever. I told her there was no way my fat ass would fit into them. She told me to humor her, so I did. Ready to be embarrassed cause I would not be able to squeeze myself into them. I was WRONG, they fit perfect. I could not believe it. I thought I was dreaming! I have been in the same size pant forever, especially jeans. It was an awesome feeling!! So I had to get 2 pairs of jeans some cute Summer tops that would be great as Maternity tops cause I am so going to get knocked up! I got a new lace bra that is a beautiful orange color, 2 new sweaters a black one and a lilac one. I felt so guilty, but Ron made me do it! He said I deserved it.. I love him so much!! I am so blessed! Can you believe that I did not get anything I could wear to work. Funny huh?

On the Med front, I am doing better.. I think.. Some days are good, some days are shitty but I just keep telling myself it is for our baby!!! Our Baby who will some day be a reality!

Oh, more good news! I just found out my new insurance that kicks in will cover IVF up to 90% if you use a preferred provider.. So I looked up some PP Re's and one of them was from Seattle Reproductive Medicine. They are one of the best! I was so relieved.. So happy!! Another reason I am glad I have my job.

Ok, I am off to bed, I am so tired! Work is kicking my ass..LOL Sorry for the cuss words today! Not sure what is wrong with me?? I noticed that I use a lot of exclamation points, my friend Jennifer was just talking about that in her journal. How she did not want to be known as the Exclamation Queen, I am sure I have her beat, lol.

Oh, if you are reading, thanks it means a lot to me! Lots of love!

I feel like a Big Downer

2008-04-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a little better but yesterday between being sick, AF being here and dealing w/ all of my medicine side effects I was done!! Stick a fork in me done. I have so much on my plate and have been so sad and feeling so hopeless. I am beginning to think people are getting sick of me. Maybe cause all I seem to do lately is complain and feel sorry for myself. I try not to, but this last month has been awful. After the miscarriage, the HSG, the meds, the side effects and awful period have just been a little much and have made for a very long 5 weeks! I think it is ok for me to have my moments...maybe.... I do not know.

I had an interview today! It was a panel interview w/ 7, yes 7 people. WOW, it was a little much. But my Senior manager walked me out and told me that everything was great and that I did a fantastic job. he later called my boss and told him that everyone thought I was great! Yipppeeee... So hopefully I will get it and then I will be making a little bit more money and the more bills we can pay off so when we DO have our Baby I will be able to stay home w/ him or her. That is always my goal! So I will keep everyone posted. Hopefully I will know in a few days.

Well today my cold seems to be a little better, but the last 4 nights have been filled w/ so much coughing and not enough sleeping. I have been exhausted. So tired.. So I am taking some night time meds tonight and going to bed. I have been sleeping in our spare bedroom on the futon the last two nights so Ron can get some sleep. it has been rough.

Tomorrow is my Friday! Yeah! My Dad and Step-Mom are coming over on Sat to go to a movie and lunch. I am looking forward to it!

The New Me

2008-04-11T12:47:00.001-07:00

I am off today and got to sleep in a little.. I think all of the hormones and the fact that AF will be here any minute is making me crazy.... I am still sad and can not shake it.. Life is just so f'ing hard sometimes.. You know...

Thanks for all of your love and prayers!!

Anyway I wanted to post a before and after shot of my hair cause I promised to do so..LOL

Old Hair, Really getting big..LOL

New Hair, I really like it.. I think it turned out great! It made me feel better! I even put make-up on...LOL

Dark Place

2008-04-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

I am in a bad place right now and have been for the last 2 weeks or so. I had a break down last night. I am taking Metformin and Progesterone. There are side effects that come from both and I have always been very sensitive to any kind of meds.. It has been really rough, I am getting sick for the third time this year. I think I was sick once maybe twice last year. My defenses are just shot, they are gone. So after going through the last two weeks w/ stomach cramping and diarreah I started to develop thrush in my mouth, Can you say fucking disgusting!! It is driving me nuts. So I called my doctor and got some more nasty medicine. This crap called Nystatin Oral is nasty. You are supposed to put 1 teaspoon in your mouth and swish it around for as long as possible and then swallow it. I swear it was like swishing snot in my mouth... I gagged like crazy! Yuck! And I get to do it every 6 hours.. Yummyyy...

So here I am miserable, depresed and falling apart. I told my DH last night that even if they gave me more meds that made me feel even worse I would still take them because I want to be a mom so bad, that I think I would do anything. But on days like last night I was ready to call my whole life quits.. I was ready for someone to end it all for me.. I know it is sad, and maybe people will think I am just a big fat whiner. I don't fucking care anymore. This shit sucks!! Seriously!! Every day I am reminded of my faliure to reproduce by the many baby bellies I see, the beautiful children with their families..... I hate who I have become, I feel as if I am a shell of the person I once was. I can not find happiness anymore. Because what would make me happy is to get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 months and then give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby! One that I made w/ my amazing husband.

I keep trying to believe, to have faith, to believe in Miracles....but everything is against me. More and more every day I am beginning to believe that I am not deserving... That I will spend my life in this infertile hole trying to get out and just falling deeper every day. Tonight I feel alone and so sad.. My heart just aches for the two babies that were not to be, for all of the pain, for all the other losses, for the many women who have become such amazing friends who are in the same situation...

God, if you are still there and you still hear me, please bring me out of this dark place. Give me strength to endure all of this pain and help me to see all that I have. Help me to be thankful for my family and friends. Give me faith, because right now I need it more than anything. God, please just give me something, anything, just a sliver of light.....

HSG Completed

2008-03-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

So it went ok, and I am feeling ok...It hurt and was not fun but I made it through the whole procedure w/ no tears.. But when she said everyting was perfect, well, then I cried. She was wonderful and comforted me. She said she has great hope and this was great news...

My Uterus is the picture of perfection, the dye went through really fast, no blockages in the tubes, no abnormal lumps or bumps.. Just a perfect little uterus that can not sustain life.... I guess I was hoping they would find something that they could fix, does that make sense??

So now we just have lots of sex and keep taking the metformin and use progesterone once I have ovulated for 14 days... Exercise, keep losing weight and eat only good stuff...oh, and pray, not sure if God really hears me anymore.. I seem to be a broken record lately..

Even feeling as down as I am I still have hope.. Maybe I am crazy, but I still Believe that it will happen... I am just so tired of being sad...

I am off to take a nap and some more advil.. Theses are weird cramps, not sure how to explain them...

Oh I have to add, I found a new hair salon and made an appointment for Friday April 11th!! Yipppeee for new hair, it has been 5 months.. My hair is looking scary and Big!!! LOL

HSG

2008-03-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

Well my HSG is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:30 am. I am nervous and scared.. Not so much of the pain that may be involved w/ it.. I guess there is a deeper fear one that says they will find nothing wrong and I will be right back where I started from. Trying to conceive! Getting pregnant once a year but unable to sustain life in my uterus. It makes me feel like I have failed as a mother before I ever really got a chance to be one... Maybe that does not make any sense? Who knows, I am so tired and should go to bed.. I am procrastinating. I figure if I do not go to bed then tomorrow will not come as fast, I know really special logic...LOL

Well pray that tomorrow goes smoothly and they find something, some reason why I can not sustain life inside of me... Why it is not a good place for our embies to hunker down for 9 months...

Wish Me Luck

2008-03-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

I am off to the Seattle Science Center again... Why do I do this to myself?? I will never know..LOL The kids that I have been tutoring in ASL for the last 9 months or so are coming over to see me. We are meeting there and then we will learn signs and play. It should be fun! I am hoping since I am in a better frame of mind that seeing all of the families and children and pregnant women will bring me hope this time around, not despair. So please say a little prayer for me... I will update when I get home..

**************Update*******************

So everyhitng went really well.. We had a contest to see who could remember the most signs.. In the end they both won and were able to pick out something from the gift shop.. They both picked out stuffed dogs..LOL We saw a brand new IMAX that came out called The Grand Canyon 3d, wow, it was amazing... I would reccomend it to everyone!! Well, kind of boring today! I took a nap when I got hime due to a headache.. Just not feeling quite right.. Not sure if it has anything to do w/ the new meds I am on?? We will have to see... I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter, I will be at work... Yippeeee! LOL

I have to share this video..

2008-03-21T12:51:00.001-07:00

So I watched this last night and it made me think of my friend Jen and the loss of her three little ones, Anders, Bale and Crosby who were born to soon. I can not imagine going through that.. She is an amazing, woman, friend, wife, and mother.. I am in awe of her everyday..

This video really touched me.. It broke my heart and yet still managed to give me hope... I have hope for all of us that someday we will walk down a beach holding our childrens hands...

A Little Bit of Hope!

2008-03-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

SO I just got back from my Doctor's Visit.. She is a Peach, a wonderful, empathetic, sweet doctor, whom I love! LOL I was trying to be all strong like everything was ok, and then she insisted on giving me a hug... Thats when the tears came..LOL She believes that w/ some help we can get pregnant again sooner and have it stick. So next Friday I am re-scheduled for the HSG at 10:00 AM. She perscribed me Metformin which will increase my Metabolism and w/ continued healthy eating and some exercise she is hoping it will also help in the weight loss department. Also starting this month I will chart and temp and when I O I will start using Progesterone tablets.. I will continue taking them until Day 14 where I will then POAS, if it is negative I will stop taking the Progesterone, if it is positive I will continue taking the Progesterone till I am 10 weeks along.

SO I have a plan, I have a great doctor who believes that I can get pregnant and stay pregnant for 9 long months! So I am w/ her on that.. If you all could keep us in your prayers still.. That would be wonderful. Ron and I are still having a hard time, but every day we feel a little stronger and a little more hopeful!! We will have a baby!!!

Today is my day off and I have so much to do!! I must get busy! If I get everything done, we can just hang out and watch some Buffy! We live such an exciting life.. Friday night on the couch watching some Buffy, does it get any better than that? LOL

Sundays?

2008-03-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

I thought they were made to rest, to relax, but in my case I am working.. Every Sunday from 10 am to 6 pm and to top it off Sundays are in all actuality my Mondays. Oh Yippeee! I woke up this morning and felt like crap, just emotionally numb and blah. I would have given anything to just stay home in bed w/ the covers over my head, but I got up and took a shower and went to work my 8 hours. It was an ok day. But like I said Sundays are a day for rest, for spending it w/ the ones you love. I keep telling myself that it is all worth it. We have a plan. I am working to pay off one of our two cars and a few other bills. Our plan is that when we have a baby and we will, I will quit working and stay home w/ our child. Then after a year or so depending where we are at I will return to school. I love this plan and was so looking forward to quitting in November right before Christmas to stay home w/ our new baby.. But sadly it was not meant to be..

So I have been eating very badly! I had Doritos, chocolate cadbury eggs, and Diet Pepsi.. I am such a bad girl! I told Ron we had to get rid of all of this crap!! We do not keep it on the house for a reason! But w/ our friends here I felt compelled to buy the bad evil stuff...LOL Excuses, excuses.. TRUTH: I am bummed and wanted to eat crappy food.. But as of tomorrow it all goes in the garbage.. Back to Lean Cuisines and fresh fruits and veggies, YUM!

I have not written in my journal in so long.. I was thinking nobody was reading it.. But today I got a comment! It made my day.. So thank you for reading..LOL

I am off to bed, I am so tired! Being emotionally numb really sucks the life out of you!

Babies Everywhere...

2008-03-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

Today I spent the day w/ my two God-daughters and their mom's at the Pacific Science Center.. It was a hard day. There were children and babies everywhere. I started counting all of the pregnant women I saw. There were ones w/ tiny Baby Bumps and then there were ones ready to pop. I lost count at 19. They were everywhere. I saw families w/ 5 and 6 children.. I had to sit down at one point cause I was cramping so hard.. Here I was surrounded by all of these children finishing up my MC. It took everything in me to keep it together.. I just wondered why God thought one child was to much to ask for??

We just got home and I am having a Diet Pepsi (W/ Caffeine) and 2 shots of Captain Morgan. Yes you heard correctly.. For two years I have watched what I eat, I do not take medicine unless I have to, I do not drink except occasionally, I gave up caffeine, I do not use an electric blanket, I do not go in hot tubs... There are so many things I do not do just in case I am pregnant or ovulating... Well I am living a little today...LOL

Our friends actually spent the night and we watched a movie last night when the girls fell asleep. It was called Carolina.. It was a good movie, but of course there was an unplanned pregnancy in there...LOL There

We did have fun yesterday.. The girls thought we lived in a hotel cause we have an elevator that takes us to the 5th floor where we live..LOL Ashtyn who is 4 had to be the one to push the buttons in the elevator.. So adorable. They had so much fun tormenting the cats, and exploring new things. My favorite was when we were all not paying attention they scooped the dry cat food out of the container and poured it into their water bowl.. I guess that is one way to make wet cat food..LOL

Being a parent is hard work, I think it is the hardest job any woman or man can ever have! I watch them tag team their girls who are 2 and 4 and am amazed, what a handful they are.. There is so much to do and so many needs that have to be met.. Ashtyn and Hadleigh or such opposites and need different things from their moms'. Even knowing that I would not be able to sleep in anymore, and that life would never be the same I still want to be a mom more than anything.. Am I crazy!! I think so..LOL

I am off to cuddle up on the couch w/ my wonderful husband who is having a very hard time I might add... We are going to watch some more Buffy, maybe take a nap.. I am getting buzzed on a Saturday Afternoon and loving every minute of it..

Oh, I plan on joining a gym next week.. Wish me luck! I hope I can stick w/ it...

I was so sure...

2008-03-13T23:44:00.000-07:00

I was preggo again for 6 days and oh what a wonderful 6 days they were.. I started bleeding after we had gotten our HCG test of a whopping 11 back from the doctor.... I was so sure this was it, I was so sure that in November I would be holding our little one.... I have been praying and hoping and believing and I lost another one..My oven is broken, I am broken... I keep thinking that maybe God does not think I deserve a baby of my own?? Or maybe I am just not worthy... Ron and I have been dealing as well as we can...

I had a dream last night.. I dreamed that after the MC I went to see the doctor a month or two later and she said she had wonderful news... I had not suffered a MC, in fact I was a few months pregnant and we were going to have a little girl.. I could not believe it, I asked for pictures, I needed proof... She set me up for an ultrasound right away and there was a beautiful baby girl growing inside of me.. I woke up crying.. That is how much my heart is breaking... I have not been able to cry much.. I feel somewhat numb.... I was just so sure.. Even now I want to go POAS with the hopes that this MC was all a bad dream.. You know..

I have such an amazing group of friends who have been there the last two years for me as I have struggled through so many ups and downs... I am not sure what I would do w/o them.. I have gotten so many letters and calls and for some reason I can not write them back or call back... I think it is cause I am so scared of coming undone.. Of just losing it.. I have been so strong for everyone because I feel like I have let them down.. Even my surrogate Mom asked me today, when was I going to break.. I told her I was good, I am dealing.. We have a good doctor and hey at least I got pregnant.. I am fine.. Or at least I will be...

A very wise woman once told me in her darkest of hours that God will not take you anywhere that he won't lead you through... So I am trusting in God to lead me through this pain and hurt... Cause I can not do it alone... I was so sure that Sticky would stick.. So sure... So fucking sure.... I was wrong.... So wrong.. My heart hurts so much for what is not to be.. How is it that we made so many plans in those 6 days?? We had so many hopes w/ Sticky... So many plans...As I sit here writing this, I am exhausted and the tears will not stop running down my face... I do not want to be sad, I do not want to hurt.. I just want to Believe, to be happy to know that good things happen to good people, I want to feel deserving, I want to be a mama, I want to be a family.... Maybe I want to much...

Today I do not Believe...

2008-01-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

Today, I feel like a big fat sea cow... I feel as if we will never get pregnant! I feel as if all of this is for nothing. I feel defeated and sad today. 2 years and nothing. 5 days from now will be our one year mark for the first and probably last time I will ever be pregnant..... I hate feeling so bad, so hopeless....

Please God I am tired of begging.... I do not understand....

I know that there is a plan, but I am so tired of hurting, of feeling not good enough.... When will I be good enough??

Family

2007-11-17T23:56:00.000-08:00

What is Family? For me a Family is not so much who I share blood with... It is the people whom I feel safe with, whom I can relate to.... They are the ones who stand beside me and pick me up when I can no longer keep going... They are the ones who I count on... My "family" is a beautiful one filled w/ so many rich bold characters. I am blessed to have my Family. When my Mom died I was so lost.. I just had my Dad and my Sister and My Best Friend... That was my family.... And at the time of my Mom's death my sister and I were always at odds... She could not stand to watch my mom die, so she was never around.. I resented her for that. I wished I could be more like her.. I wanted to be cold and hard.. I wished my heart would not hurt so much.... After that first year I met a couple who did Foster Care and I fell in love with them.. They were amazing. My mom's name was Sharon and this new person I met, well her name was Sharon too.. Her mother had died a few days before mine.. I decided God knew how much I needed a Mom and he sent her to me.. She truly was an Angel.. I am scared to think of where I would be w/o her love, support and guidance. She is amazing. Every time I turn around, she is there... I love her so much, she is my Family!

Today I had a big blow out with my Step-Mom and it was bad.. I have been holding in a lot and well, it all came out today. She hordes my Mother's stuff like you can not believe. She feels that it all belongs to her and that we have no say in it.. We were over visiting today and I saw my old dresser that my Mom had bought for me and I told her we would be able to take it in a few months when we move.. She proceeded to tell me that I couldn't... I lost it.. I just screamed and yelled and shook, and cried... I told her what a selfish woman she was.. She has all of my Mom's jewelery, her tea cups, buttons, etc. etc.... I told her that none of it was hers.. I was so upset.. My Dad just went off to the corner and said nothing.... I left crying hysterically and Ron just held me till I stopped crying... Anyway I called my Dad later and he told me that next weekend I can come over and take whatever I wanted.. My mom meant the world to me... I have nothing of hers... My Dad used to believe that when he died my Step-mom would make sure I got what I wanted.. He now sees that she is so selfish she wouldn't give me anything, even if I begged.... Why would a woman want to keep all of another dead woman's things??? It is kind of morbid really... They mean nothing to her.. She just wants to sell them and keep the money... Can you say SELFISH???

So to my point.... I do have one by the way...LOL I was thinking today that I am so glad you can choose your family... I have chosen mine and I feel so blessed.. I have a great chosen family and a husband who loves me.. Does it really get any better??

Tonight as I go to bed I will be thanking God for letting me choose my Family....

Wow, I am skinny...

2007-11-14T23:33:00.001-08:00

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!
I had so much fun making videos tonight. Here is one of Ron and I at the Disco...LOL I have not laughed this hard in a long time.. I forget how good it is for the soul... So have a look and it is so ok if you laugh....

Pictures from our photo shoot...

2007-11-11T12:36:00.001-08:00

I like this one but my face looks so fat.. Well I guess it is, but I somehow want to look thin in my pics..LOL Is that to much to ask for???

I think we will use this one for our Christmas Cards....

This one is my favorite.. We just happend to look at eachother when she took the picture...

We had our friend meet us at the same park we got married at to take pictures... It was cold, but the sun came out... It was nice remembering our special day... I loved our wedding.. It was so amazing. I am so in love with my husband.... He loves me so much.. How did I ever get so blessed????

It has been a while....

2007-11-10T10:40:00.000-08:00

I think I stopped writing because I have felt so sad. I feel like the world is so against us. We are so unsure of what the future holds for us. I prayed last night for my husband to get a break.. He so deserves one break... He is an amazing man and does so much for me and for others... He deserves to have one thing go right... Just one.....

He has been sad too... We see a family and he always gets this sad look in his eyes... He looks at me knowing I feel the same way... I always feel like a failure, like I have let him down so much.... He wants to be a papa more than anything.....

Not sure where we will be in 6 months?? I am just praying that wherever we are I am preggo.... Please God.....

School is going ok... This is the toughest Math class I have taken... Hopefully I will pass it and then no more Math!! Wouldn't that be amazing....

I am off to meet my Best Friend.. She is going to take some pictures of Ron and I so we can get our Christmas Cards made... I hope she can take a good one minus my double chin... I hate double chins.. I hate being fat...LOL Errrrrrrrr......

Anders, Bale, & Crosby

2007-09-27T15:03:00.000-07:00

Your time here on Earth was so short. I do not understand...It was not supposed to be this way! Please be w/ your Mom, Dad and sisters. Take care of them and let them know you are there with them in spirit.. You will never be forgotten....

One Year

2007-09-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today is our one year anniversary! Today we have been married 365 days... This year has been filled with so many ups and downs and yet through it all we have remained as close as two people can be. My only hope is that as the years go by we will still be able to stay that close. That we will continue to be so in love. I know we will go through our rough times but as long as they bring us closer I am ok with that.

I remember our wedding day as if happened yesterday! I remember the sun came out just before the people started to arrive. I remember walking down a small hill into a beautiful shaded area filled with weeping willow trees... The sun was shining through all of the tress making it appear as if it were dancing in celebration of our day. Seeing all of our family and friends sitting there took my breath away. I have never felt so loved. Then I looked up and saw my husband to be and I swear my heart stopped for a brief moment. He was my soul mate, the one I had waited for for 31 years. He was the one I had dreamed about and romanticized about for so long! It seemed like a long walk to get to him, but finally I was there and he was holding my hands. Looking into his eyes I could see my future with him, and it made me weak in the knees.. I stood there trembling trying not to cry... So filled with emotions, so in love with this man. Our vows were beautiful and when we were pronounced Husband and Wife, well that had to be one of the happiest moments of my life. With him I feel so complete.... It was as if a piece of me had been missing and in him I found it....

I am more in love today than I was one year ago.......

Praying for a Miracle...

2007-09-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

If you read this please take a moment to pray for an amazing friend of mine. Her name is Jen, she is pregnant with Triplets and things are not going well. Pray that the doctors find a way to save all of her sweet babies. My heart is just breaking for her and her family. I just do not understand why this kind of stuff happens to such good, kind people...... I do not understand life sometimes... Please God, a miracle is needed..... Please!!! Amen!

Check out my Slide Show!

2007-08-23T23:16:00.001-07:00

The Annoying Cloud Of Doom

2007-08-08T13:51:00.001-07:00

I just can not get this cloud that has been hanging over my head to go away... It just hangs out letting only little bits of sunshine in.... I am sad today. I feel so done... Done with everything... I think we should stop trying all together..., Just give up and if it happens it will happen... I am so frustrated. I feel as if it will never happen! We will never have a baby... We will get close, but no baby! It is just this awful feeling I have had the last few days. I feel like I have given up on everything... My school, my weight watchers diet, my self, having a baby.... I am just done... You know what I want?? I want my Butter Bean to be safe and sound inside my belly!! I want to give birth to BB on October 4th… I want to be a mom..... I wish I never experienced that loss.. I wish that life was a little easier....

I leave for Alaska on Friday and am just sad because it is one more month that I will not get pregnant.. I will miss my O day... I just can not win...

I am sure I sound like a whiner, but this is the way that I feel today and it is my journal and I can write whatever I want, right....LOL

Why does it have to be so hard for so many people and so easy for others?? Why does the mom who has lost custody of her 7 children due to neglect and abuse get pregnant w/ her 8th child??? Why is that??? It just kills me.....

God...... I am losing faith... Losing myself... Where are you???

Spider Pig

2007-08-04T13:24:00.001-07:00

I think this is so hillarious... I have the song stuck in my head...

Spider Pig, Spider Pig...LOL

I want something to work out!!

2007-08-01T19:36:00.001-07:00

Ron just found out today that he was not selected to be a part of the Apprenticeship program... We are just devastated.... We moved here and have been waiting on them for almost 9 months.... I feel like we hope, we pray, we try so hard to have Faith and stay positive....Yet every door just slams shut... I am so done!! Just done.... I started crying tonight and could not stop...

One of the girls on my forum got pregnant 1 week before I did... She only has 9 weeks left till she is due.. I am so happy for her, I know she has experienced loss like I can not imagine... But it still made me think of my Butter bean..... and what it would be like to be 7 months pregnant right now.... I was so happy, I loved being pregnant more than anything...

I feel as if life is one big cruel joke... What are we going to do... I feel as if I can not do anything right.... I want to scream..... I look around and everyone is pregnant.. I met a girl the other day and they had just taken her IUD out and she is pregnant. I made the mistake of asking how long they had been trying... She replied giggling "ummmmmmmmmm, maybe 2 weeks". Yeah, that felt good!!!

I am so bitter right now.... I think I will go crawl in bed.... I know in the very bottom of my heart that Ron and I will have a baby!! But why does it have to be so hard.. Everything is so hard... I want something to work out......

I am Beautiful (Sometimes)

2007-07-28T22:07:00.000-07:00

I do not like pictures of me... I hate them, because I am my toughest critic... I am overweight and many times I look in the mirror or in pictures and I see a fat, ugly girl... In the last few years I have really been working on my self defeating behaviors and have come a long ways! But I find it is a constant struggle to look at myself and love all of me and think I am Beautiful... I still do not like pictures and have a really hard time w/ them.. I always get the double chin, a few fat rolls... Yuck......LOL But last night after coming in from doing yard work in the heat, I sat down to check EverythingBaby... That is when Ron came up and said, you look so beautiful, and my reply is always the same "you think so???" Here I am all sweaty and dirty... LOL Then he proceeds to get the camera out and I am tired so I humored him...LOL (Plus it is Digital, so I can erase them...LOL) He waited, standing over me, looking down at me and said I love you so much... I replied w/ I love you so much and he snapped a picture... I look so happy, so in love! He took a few more pics and I thought they were great!! A little to much cleavage..LOL Of course Ron says there is no such thing as to much! Guys!!! I think I look Beautiful, so I wanted to share..

Leaving Washington

2007-07-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well in trying to figure out a Plan B if Ron does not get the job with the Shipyard here in Bremerton, WA we have decided we will have to move, leave WA.... This makes me so sad, because all of my family is here, this is where I grew up... My Dad was in the Navy and we moved everywhere... When I was 10 years old he retired and we moved out here to WA. I love it here, it is my first home... I love everything about it!! I tell people all the time that I live in the most beautiful place on earth.... Anyway, the cost of living here is so great... For Ron and I to buy a 3 bd 2 Ba home in Bremerton we are looking at $200,000.00 easily... If we move back to Seattle, that same place will be $400,000.00 or more. I so want to keep going to school, but here we would both have to work full time in order to pay all the bills... The job market on this side is bad... You can make 8 to 10 dollars an hour.. In Seattle you are looking at 14 to 20 dollars an hour.... But then who can afford to live in Seattle... Our last two bedroom in Seattle that we lived in (which was in the bad part of town) cost us $1000.00 a month....

So our plan is to move to Texas... Yes Texas... Being that I am the whitest white person you have ever met and fat, the heat and I just do not get along...LOL But most places have airconditoning...right...LOL I just burn really easily... But maybe I will lose weight there because I will be sweating so much...LOL My friend and her husband just moved back there w/ their 4 children! They moved to WA for a year, but the cost of living was just to much for them... SO after one year of struggling here, they went back to Waxahachie, TX..... I went on line and found homes there in Waxahachie for really good prices.. There was the cutest yellow house w/ a porch.. 4 bd 2 ba, 1600 sq ft for $80,000.00... And as far as computer jobs, we looked up jobs in Dallas and found 1250 jobs there... Verses the 50 in Seattle.... So it looks like if the Shipyard does not come through we are heading to Waxahachie, TX.

It is kind of exciting, but mostly it makes me sad.. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving my family.... I feel selfish.. But Ron and I have to take care of us and support us.. My family can not afford to do it, nor should they have to... We will know at the end of July if Ron got the Job w/ the shipyard.... Life is so in the air right now... But I am doing my best to let go and let God.... It is just so hard because I am a control freak.... Well if you make it this far and can say a little prayer for us, that would be great... I think we could use all the prayers we can get....

I am a Little Black Rain Cloud

2007-07-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I got up early today and nothing, I mean nothing has gone right... All day Murphy's Law has been kicking my butt!!! My Surrogate Mom was even scared to be w/ me because of all the crap that has happened this last week.. I am Bad Luck...LOL I almost went postal on a Wal-Mart employee today!! She seriously pissed me off.... I just grabbed my bag and exited the building!!! Errrrrrrrr...... I waited in the longest line just to by some f***ing erasers for Math class.... Ok, I am feeling better already... I think... Oh what a day!! I have been fighting w/ the insurance company and just running all over... My phone is not working right!!! Man oh man!!

On a positive note I am in pain right now.. It is Ovulation pain... Yipppppeee!! Meaning I will probably ovulate in the next two days... We have been having fun!! We are enjoying sex again!!! Not that anyone wants to know that...LOL but just had to share.... This whole break thing is nice...... Well I am off to get my baby making groove on!! I have decided that tomorrow will be wonderful!!! We are watching Ashtyn and Hadleigh (my little God-Daughters) every Sat morning for the next several weeks... We had a blast last Sat! We watched Disney Movies and played....

I am now taking a deep Breath and signing off... Just had to vent really fast.....LOL
Before I go I must leave you with the song from Winnie the Pooh:

I'm just a little black rain cloud Hovering under the honey tree I'm only a little black rain cloud Pay no attention to little me Everyone knows that a rain cloud Never eats honey, no, not a nip I'm just floating around over the ground Wondering where I will drip

Just in case you have never seen it...LOL

Ramble, Ramble, Ramble

2007-07-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

I have had a rough few days... I backed our Subaru into our temporary home this weekend and shattered the back window... I was devastated, my dearest husband Ron just laughed, and told me it was ok. He said it is just a window, hugged me, helped me clean it up and then we took the other car to see Transformers... (Very good movie by the way, some cheesy parts, but good. I grew up watching the cartoon, so I loved it..LOL) I called my insurance this morning and we have to pay a $250.00 deductible... With only Ron working and paying for school....things have been a little tight.. We do not have $250.00 sitting around... We just put some money into hotel reservations in CA. We are driving down to spend a few days with Ron's Mom and Step-Dad at the end of August... I have never met them and am really nervous... Anyway...It has been one thing after another lately.

We originally moved back to this side of the water so that Ron could go back to school... He decided to apply at the Naval Shipyard in Bremerton, WA and that was 7 months ago... We have been waiting to see if he gets into there apprentice program.. When I had the MC he told me to quit and go back to school... So I did... We have been living on my surrogate parents property for the last 7 months in my Dad's 36 1/2 ft travel trailer... It has been nice because before I quit we put a lot of money into bills and got some Credit cards paid off... But now it is tight... Thank God we do not have to pay rent... We pay for electricity and for food.... Because Sharon, my Surrogate Mom is always cooking for us...LOL Anyway, Ron will hear something from the Shipyard by the end of July... If he does not get into the program, we will have to move back to Seattle... Both of us really want to stay here, but you have to do what you have to do... Right???

I just feel like every time we turn around the door closes.... Sharon said today that with all the doors closing at least one has to open... God, I really hope so.... We are so ready... Poor Ron just works his but off and he hates his job so much! He gets up every morning and goes to a place he hates... He spends about 3 hours a day commuting and some days it is 4 hours... And he does this for me.... He really is an amazing man, friend, and husband... He is my everything. I can not believe in 2 months it will be 1 year of marriage! I fall more in love with him every day! I hope that in 20 years I feel the same way! I know that I will..... He is truly my heart......

We have taken a break from temping and stressing this month... We are just having good old fashioned Sex!!! And it has been wonderful!! I think I am going to make an appointment next month with my OB/Gyn and get some tests done.. I just need to know for my own sanity that all is well.... I have been trying to eat well... Been doing Weight Watchers and have lost 10.8 lbs.. I wish I did not struggle with my weight so bad... I have always been a "big" girl... Tall and fat.. Lovely, huh! Anyway, I worry that being overweight has a lot to do w/ not getting pregnant??? My Ob/Gyn has assured me that fat people get pregnant all the time... She said it much nicer...LOL

I am just so unsure of our future... I really believe it will all work out...I just am wondering what path we start on next?? What journey is in store for us! Whatever it is we will make the best of it, because that's what we do! As long as we have each other, we are good to go......

It's Been A While

2007-06-23T22:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a nice day.. We went to a place called Theler Wetlands and took pictures and walked all over.. It was windy and a little cold but all in all it was wonderful.. We then went to Subway and got sandwiches for dinner.... After we ate we curled up and watched my favorite movie, "Bridge to Terabithia". Of course it makes me cry every time, but it is a beautiful story about children, their imaginations and this crazy thing we call life....

It was so beautiful, thick and lush filled with birds, raccoons, and lots of other wildlife....

It was really windy as you can tell by my hair.. Not the greatest picture of me but it will have to do.. We want to go back on a hot sunny day!!!

They built docks that go all over the wetlands... People go running there all the time, it is truly amazing....

No Words

2007-06-01T12:01:00.001-07:00

Today Logan will be burried... It breaks my heart.....

Today I light a candle for Logan, for his family, in his memory....

Why?

2007-05-26T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today a small baby boy named Logan was taken off Life support at 3:10 pm... He died in his parents loving arms... How can this be??? We have all been praying so hard, lighting candles, crying, more praying and yet he is gone.. Why??? I just do not understand.... In Logan's short time here in this world he taught me many things... I never met him but that does not mean that I will not miss him... My heart is just broken... Thinking of Mom and Dad and what they have gone through and have yet to go through.... Why is life so hard??

Why, I do not understand....

Logan, you will be missed so much....

My Hero

2007-05-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Sharon Ann Post

11 Years ago Today....

I can't Believe that she has been gone for so long...

My Best Friend took these pictures the day of my wedding. She brought a rose and a candle from my wedding and stopped by her grave side.... It

was very touching......

This is my momma when she was young and in the Army... She served as a Nurse during the Vietnam War. I am proud of her and always will be....

This is my Mama at my older Brothers Soccer Game w/ my Sister on her head... She loved all of us so much. She was the Mom that supported you in all that you did. She really was amazing...

Here she is at my Sister's 6th Grade recognition.I love her smile.....

I Miss you Mom... I miss the way you loved me....The way you beleived in me! I hope I have made you proud! You are my hero and I hope someday soon to be as good of a mama as you were... I love you!

DOOM

2007-05-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

It is 11:00 PM and my husband is playing Doom...YUCK!!! It scares the crap out of me!! There is all this fighting and zombie sounds... Ick!! I know I will have nightmares tonight!!! You know what is funny,

it scares the crap out of him too, but he insists on torturing himself... Men! In the game you walk around with a flashlight...It is hard to see the things coming for you, but you can hear them.... I am scared......(teeth chattering)

I just threw a notepad at him and hit him in the back and yelled at the same time... It was hilarious, although I am not sure he will ever forgive me...LOL I had to include some pictures so everyone knows just how creepy it is!!!

Maybe I am just a wimp??? But I hate me some Zombies!!!! ICK!!!!

Can Single Girls Wear Tampons?

2007-05-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

We truly have come a long way from pads that you wore w/ a belt and tampons called Meds.... Just thought I would share some Tampon history...Enjoy!

This add from 1969 says "Tampax makes it possible for you to be Free to be yourself." I never feel like myself when AF is here!!! And inserting a tampon sure doesn't make me feel any better.... Who wrote this stuff.....

Found this add for new Meds...LOL

So I was wrong, really wrong... I am not pregnant! I am just crazy! This whole TTCing journey makes you crazy! I bet their is a researcher out there somewhere who has documented cases of Women like me! Some how that makes me feel better. I am not alone... I am one person in a sea of people who are struggling every day to get pregnant and stay pregnant. I have never had a cycle quite like that one...I think my body is still trying to get back to "normal", if there is such a thing??? Who knows??

On a good note, I have lost a total of 16lbs.... It used to be 20lbs when I first got pregnant, but then I gained almost 10lbs back after the MC. The Dibbs I ate every day really didn't help the situation... I also started drinking caffeine and just not taking care of myself! Bad Erin!!! Depression can really kick your butt and make it larger!!! But now I am off caffeine again, which made my daily headaches go away. So only 4 more lbs to be back to my total loss of 20lbs. I have been walking with Ron when ever we can...Usually about 2 miles.. It has been nice! So I am going to look at getting AF as a positive thing. Now I have more time to take better care of me and prepare myself for the next pregnancy!!! Right!!

TGIF!!!! I can not wait for Ron to get home.. We have a busy weekend planned and Saturday I am having a few drinks!! I figure since Af is here, it is ok to have a few Margaritas!!!

Sounds Good huh?????

To Delete or not to Delete

2007-04-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had a small meltdown last night... I do not think I am pregnant and then beat myself up for believing that I was at 5 DPO! Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment. It is bad enough that I believed, but then I shared my belief w/ Ron and in my Blog and on EverythingBaby!! I was feeling pretty embarrassed to say the least... So I decided I would delete my post...but just couldn't do it.... I think I will leave it as a testimony to my stupidity!

I feel like a whiner! A big fat whiner!!! I was pregnant, I lost it at 8 weeks.... It was hard, I need to just get over it.... But some days i just can't.... I cried last night because I loved being pregnant! I loved everything about it.. I had never felt so alive.... In that one month I had thought of everything... What color their eyes would be, their hair, would it be curly, daycare, Mother's Day, the way my DH would look when he first held our new Baby....My mind never stopped working in that wonderful month.....

Today I want to crawl back into bed and have another good cry, but I have to get myself dressed and go to school... Why is life so hard sometimes? Why can't I just be "over it", why is it so hard to move on, Why can't good people who want Babies just have sex, get, pregnant and nine months later have a healthy Beautiful Baby??? SO many questions????

Wishful Thinking

2007-04-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

It is strange but I just have this feeling that I am pregnant... I think it is wishful thinking but I can't get this feeling out of my mind... It is weird, I know..... I just feel different? Ok now I probably sound like I am losing my marbles! LOL Here I am at 5 DPO and I feel pregnant, Impossible!!! So I think I should stop obsessing and reading to much into my feelings... '

I loved being pregnant, maybe I just miss it more than I care to admit... Oh well I am going to keep Believing that the best sperm found the most amazing egg and they are doing their thing right now as I type this crazy babble.....

Please do not think I am crazy!!! Maybe just say a prayer for my sanity!!! lol Cause TTCing makes you crazy!!!!!

Sperm & Egg

2007-04-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

My Title Sounds like something you'd eat for Breakfast, Huh?

Just thought this was a funny cartoon! I am just sitting back hoping and praying that R's Swimmers have found the really prime, perfect egg and only a really magnificent sperm gets in to fertilize my perfect egg.... This is really sad huh! I am Blogging about Sperm and Egg??? Who am I anymore. I am a woman obsessed with having a Baby damn it! 5 years ago I couldn't even say sperm, egg, sex w/o blushing.. now I am into it!! I talk about my Cervical Mucus like some women talk about there shoes. I buy HPT's like people buy cigarettes... My single friends have heard way to much and don't care to hear about how stretchy egg white cervical mucus really is! Go figure... I am living the TTC American Dream, right! LOL Who the heck knows.... What I do know is that it is hard. So many years of preventing pregnancy and then over a year trying.... Errrrr.... But at least I know I can get preggo, right!!! Ok enough about Sperm and Egg!!!!

Today I was not feeling well so I cancelled my whole day!! Everything! and stayed home in my P.J.'s until about an hour ago....LOL I cleaned, obsessively checked my favorite forum EverythingBaby.org, brushed our two kitties and read.... It was a very nice day! Ron will be home shortly and then we are off for a 2 mile walk and then to play catch if the weather holds out for us!!! Just as I typed that the clouds rolled by and out came the sun.. Weird, huh! It has been raining off and on all day! No sun until just this moment... Must be a sign that i need to go for that walk!! LOL Ok, I am going!

On another rambling note, Today I love my life!!! I am so blessed! I think of all the people in the world hurting, homeless, starving, just trying to make it through the day and I realize just how truly blessed I am!

5:00 AM

2007-04-21T05:11:00.000-07:00

Not sure what to write about.. It is 5:00 am Saturday morning..... my day to sleep in, and yet I have this terrible headache and neck pain, so here I am on the computer wondering what in the world to write about.

It has been quite a week, I think I am busier now than when I worked... My DH and I went to see a Psychic Show on Thursday in Seattle. We have been a few times and it is fun. This time their was a woman that was giving readings after. She is a Shamanic Healer, her name was Melissa. For some reason I had been drawn to her all night. I was in the very back of the room and she sat in the very front of the room and yet I just kept staring at her... When the show ended she was introduced and we were told she would give readings. So I just had to tell her that I was drawn to her and she had such good energy. I am a very empathetic person and very sensitive to the people around me, so much so that sometimes I will pick up their moods , feelings etc and wonder where it came from... I know it sounds weird, but I have been like this since I was a child. People I do not know will come up to me and talk to me about their problems or tragedies. There is nothing Special about it, it is just me and I have been blessed w/ empathy. Anyway back to Melissa. I told her I did not need a reading just wanted her to know how "beautiful" she was and how much good energy surrounded her... She thanked me and held my hand for a moment and then asked if I had just recently suffered a loss... I said" yes I did".. She said "she wants me to tell you that she wasn't ready, do you understand that?" I was quiet for a little while and then told her that I had had a miscarriage and yes I did understand it. She then went on to tell me that it was definately a little girl and that nothing I did made this happen and that my little one said "I must let her go, I must greive for her and let her go so that other children will come....She said she just was not ready yet." I of course started crying right there... It was so strange and yet so amazing.... How did she know, I didn't say anything... I think she truly has a gift to help people heal... I know that I walked away feeling so drained, so tired. But I felt better, if that makes sense???

I never knew how hard it would be to try and have a baby, I thought it would be so easy... But it has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on... But I will not give up, I will continue to fight for a baby, for a family, for my dreams..... I will have a Baby!!!

Butter Bean

2007-04-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

These three tests were all taken on January 28th 2007 when I had my very first BFP! I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby! I called my husband crying, so excited and happy.. He left work telling them I have an emergency! My wife is going to have a baby.. he left speeding home to be w/ me and to just let it all sink in... I remember crying all the way home from Wal-Mart crying and praying.. I just kept telling God that I was going to be a good mama and I was going to love this Baby more than anything.. I just kept thanking God over and over asking that he keep us safe... The next month was filled w/ some scary times but for the most part I was so thrilled.. When I threw up like I had never done before I was happy and thanked God for the miracle inside of me. Ron and I nicknamed our Baby Buter Bean Bowman. We were so in love! But Butter Bean was not meant to be... I went in for an ultrasound at 8 weeks and all they could find was a sac measuring at 6 weeks. I was devestated, I had never know pain like that. So February 24th I started my MC. There are no words to explain the physical and mental pain that I went through that week... I would have given anything for Butter Bean....

It has been a struggle and some days I am so sad..... But lately I have been feeling positive and have decided to Believe and stay positive.. So no more doubt! I will get pregnant, I will have a Baby! I just keep telling myself that over and over again.. I am just hoping it is sooner rather than later.....

I Believe that I will get pregnant again....